Harry Potter and the Sorcerer Who's Stoned
by wonderclam
Summary: Parody of book one. Lots of random humor, but sticks pretty close to the storyline of the book. Includes theme song!Harry, disco!Quirrel, country star!Draco and many more.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: i own nothing. JKR owns everything. don't you just hate the unfairness of it all?

A/N: hello, all. wonder here. this is the first story i've actually written on my own, so please, be gentle. i originally wasn't going to post this until it was completely finished (there are only five chapters at this point), but i feel kind of bad that it has taken so long in between updates for "The Spawn of Hogwarts," the other story by wonderclam. i actually got the idea to write this from reading padfootgrim's "Insert Hilarious and Witty Title Here" on mugglenet,which i think everyone should go and read a.s.a.p. because it is a most humorous work. ok, on to the story now.

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Chapter 1

Dumbledore appears on Privet Drive. He rummages around in his pocket for a few minutes and pulls out a yo-yo. He becomes engrossed in trying to untangle the knot in the string for a good five minutes before remembering why he is standing in the middle of a Muggle street at this ungodly hour. He returns the yo-yo to his pocket. This time, his hand is withdrawn clutching his "Put-Outer." He clicks the button and, one bye one, the lights on the street disappear.

Dumbledore's Thoughts: _That was so awesome. I'll never get tired of playing with this thing._

Suddenly he notices a cat sitting on a half wall on the right side of the street. He walks over to the cat, sits down next to it, and attempts to start a conversation with it. When the cat hears his voice it hisses at him, jumps off the wall, and runs away into the dark night. Dumbledore then looks across the street and sees that there is another half wall there, also with a cat on it. Dumbledore, blushing, realizes his mistake, walks across the street, and sits down next to the cat. The cat then jumps down to the ground and transforms into a woman.

McGonagall: Albus, I specifically told you the LEFT side of the street. Don't you ever listen?

Dumbledore: Sorry Minerva. I must have been spacing out when you were talking to me earlier.

McGonagall: Oh no . . . are you saying . . . that I'm . . . b-b-boring? What will the children think of me? I can't be boring around them! They'll think I'm a complete loser! Quick Albus, do something. Make me less boring!

McGonagall is now in hysterics. Dumbledore tries to calm her.

Dumbledore: There, there, Minerva. I didn't mean that you were boring. I meant that . . . you were so beautiful that I couldn't concentrate on your words because I was so enchanted by your face.

McGonagall: Do you really mean it, Albus?

Dumbledore: Umm. . . . Yes, yes, of course I do. How could I not? Besides, now is not the time to be feeling sorry for yourself. We are here to discuss the Potters.

McGonagall: Oh, right, them. Dude, I really don't think we should leave Harry here. These people are a bunch of stuck up snobs that will probably abuse the poor boy until the day he leaves to go to school. By the way, where is Harry?

Dumbledore: Are they really that bad? Oops, I guess I should think through my plans more thoroughly next time. Hagrid should be arriving with him any moment now.

Dumbledore and McGonagall sit on the wall, patiently awaiting Hagrid and Harry's arrival. Dumbledore once again pulls out his yo-yo and tries to untangle the string.

1/2 AN HOUR LATER

McGonagall: I thought you said that Ha-

Dumbledore: Yes! I've finally done it!

Dumbledore is so proud of himself for getting the knot out that he doesn't realize he interrupted McGonagall. He sees her glaring at him and apologizes.

Dumbledore: Oh, sorry. Please, continue.

McGonagall: I said, I thought you said Hagrid was supposed to be here with Harry by now.

Dumbledore: Well, I thought he was. Oh look, here he comes now.

Dumbledore and McGonagall look up to see a flying motorcycle speeding towards them. They have just enough time to jump out of the way before it crashes to the ground, throwing Hagrid over the handlebars in his attempt to get there faster. Hagrid stands up and greets the two professors. He sounds flustered.

Hagrid: Hello Professor Dumbledore, sir, Professor McGonagall. Sorry I'm late, lost track of time. . . .

Here Hagrid starts to trail off, but Dumbledore swears he hears him mutter something about taking pictures of something . . . or someone. Hagrid regains his composure and continues.

Hagrid: Anyways, here's Harry, sir. Safe an' sound, not a hair out o' place.

Dumbledore: Thank you Hagrid.

Hagrid: No problem.

Dumbeldore takes the child from Hagrid. He looks at Harry's head and comments.

Dumbledore: Wow, look at that wicked cool scar.

Hagrid: I know, ain't it great?

Dumbledore: And just think of how popular it will make him.

McGonagall: He'll be popular? Maybe I should become friends with him.

McGonagall starts staring off into space, dreaming of finally getting the students to like her.

Dumbledore: Uh, Minerva? You've still got about ten years before you'll get to talk to him again.

McGonagall snaps out of her reverie as she realizes that her dreams have been shattered, for the moment anyway.

McGonagall: Oh, right. Well, let's hurry up and leave him outside, on a doorstep, in the middle of the night. I want to get to some of the parties that I saw on the way here.

Dumbledore starts walking towards the Dursleys' house as he continues his conversation about celebration parties with McGonagall.

Dumbledore: Oh, oh, oh! I saw one that looked really, really fun about three miles away from here. Can we go to that one? Please?

McGonagall: Sure, why not?

Dumbledore: Yay!

Dumbledore puts Harry on the doorstep and drops a letter on top of him. Then he takes a step back, bids farewell to

McGonagall and Hagrid, and disappears in a giant cloud of thick purple smoke.

McGonagall: I really wish he wouldn't do that. It starts to become annoying after the five-millionth time.

Hagrid: Yeah, it really does.

Hagrid looks at Harry for a few moments, then starts crying. He seems very upset.

Hagrid: How could Dumbledore just leave him here like this? These people are awful! Maybe I could take care of him! I'd be a good parent! I'd -

McGonagall becomes annoyed.

McGonagall: Hagrid! Shut up!

Hagrid: Oh, ok. Hey, let's go to that party now!

McGonagall: Finally, I thought you'd never remember.

Hagrid and McGonagall leave Privet Drive in search of a drunken bash.

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A/N: so, what do you think? i would greatly appreciate any kind of feedback anyone is willing to give. thanks!


	2. chapter 2

disclaimer: once again, i own nothing in this story.

A/N: hello again! as you can tell, i'm back. omg, i actually got reviews for this story... that makes me so happy! is ecstatic i think it's awesome that people take time out of their busy schedules to review my work, so i like to thank everyone individually, which is what i will do for all reviews i get. but, that can wait until the end of the chapter.

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Chapter 2

Aunt Petunia screams at Harry to get up. She opens the door to the cupboard and faints when she see the cobwebs in there. Harry is used to this reaction by now. He finishes getting dressed and steps over her, humming 'Rotten' by Weird Al. He goes into the kitchen, comments on Dudley's shirt, and begins making breakfast as his cousin sobs in to the tablecloth.

As Dudley's sobs reduce to sniffles, and Harry finishes up making breakfast, Uncle Vernon walks into the kitchen.

Harry immediately switches from humming 'Baby Beluga' (which he is accustomed to whenever he is in the same room as his cousin) to humming the theme from Jeopardy. Harry knows this will stop his uncle from insulting him, for a little while anyway. Sure enough, after about seven seconds of the song, Vernon's eyes glaze over and he starts mumbling random answers to last night's Jeopardy episode.

Just then, Harry hears his aunt's voice calling for Dudley just beyond the door. She walks into the kitchen a second later.

Petunia: Dudley? Dudley! There you are! Why are you already in the kitchen? I was supposed to walk you into the kitchen. Harry, why is Dudley already in the kitchen?

Petunia glares at her nephew, as if it were somehow his fault that Dudley was not in the right place.

Harry: Because the author of this fic is not real bright and didn't look ahead in the book to make sure that what she was writing was correct, and then she was too lazy to go back and fix the mistake after she found it.

Petunia: Oh. Anyway, Dudley, dear, it's time for you to count your birthday presents.

Dudley: But I don't wanna! Make Harry do it for me.

Petunia: Alright, Harry, you heard him. Start counting.

Harry: But I'm making his breakfast. If I start counting his gifts, I'm liable to stop concentrating on the food and burn it.

Dudley: NO! OK, I'll count them for myself. One, two, three, four...

Petunia: Very good, Duddy! Keep going.

3 HOURS LATER

Dudley: 33, 34...

Petunia: Oh, you're so close, come on!

Dudley: 35... 36!

Petunia: YAY! Good job Dudley! This deserves some type of celebration. Let's go to the zoo!

Dudley: But, we're already going to the zoo for my birthday, remember?

Petunia: Oh, right. Hmm... I'll think of something later. Off to the zoo!

Dudley: YAY! Wait, I don't want Harry to come. He'll ruin my special day.

Harry: No, I won't. Pleeease let me go to the zoo!

Petunia: Hmm... I don't know. Vernon, do we have anywhere else to take him while we're gone?

Vernon: What is 'no?'

Petunia: I guess today is your lucky day. Go get ready, we have to leave soon.

_**Doorbell**_

Dudley: Oh, goody! My friend is here!

Dudley starts clapping and bouncing up and down in his chair. On the third bounce, the chair brakes and Dudley comes crashing to the ground. Harry laughs and starts humming Baby Beluga again as he skips off down the hall to answer the door.

1/2 HOUR LATER

Harry's Thoughts: _Wow, I'm so excited. I get to go to the zoo! Yay for me! Hmm... Uncle Vernon's talking about motorcycles and how they annoy him. Maybe I should comment and watch as his face turns that pretty purple color and he almost drives the entire family into a ditch out of anger._

Harry: I had a dream about a motorcycle. It was flying.

Sure enough, Vernon's face turns violet, the car swerves, and everyone screams. Just before the car leaves the road, though, Vernon jerks the wheel and brings it straight.

Vernon: MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!

The family, plus Dudley's friend, are shocked into silence for a few minutes until Dudley dares to speak.

Dudley: Daddy, you forgot to talk like the people on Jeopardy.

Vernon's face pales in horror as he realizes this. He quickly prays to the Jeopardy gods and asks for forgiveness, and, for fear of making the same mistake later, refuses to speak for the rest of the trip.

The Dursley's, Harry, and Dudley's friend all arrive at the zoo. Somehow, Harry's lucky streak continues through the morning and, as a result, he gets to consume more sugar than he's ever been given at one time in his entire life. To any other 10-year-old boy in Harry's position, this would have caused an immediate case of Bouncingoffthewallsitis. But that doesn't happen to him because he's 'special.'

Later that day, 'special' Harry finds himself in the reptile house about to use his 'special' powers without realizing it. (A/N: honestly, how many children would remain that calm after figuring out they had the ability to converse with snakes?) So, Harry starts talking to the snake, Dudley's friend sees and causes a scene as he yells for Dudley and

Vernon to come and look at it, and Harry gets knocked to the floor somewhere in this process. Well, he obviously gets angry about this and glares at his cousin. Somehow, the heat of the glare must have bounced off of a mirror hidden somewhere and melted the glass to the snake's enclosure, because it is suddenly gone. The snake slithers out of his man-made prison, everyone freaks out, Dudley squeals like a little girl, and Harry gets into trouble. When they get home and Dudley's friend leaves, Vernon somehow tells Harry, without speaking (he is still upset about his earlier mistake, but probably couldn't say anything now if he wanted to because he is so angry at his nephew), that he is to stay in his cupboard for the rest of the day.

THAT NIGHT

Harry lays in his cupboard and contemplates his sucky life.

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A/N: yay! another chapter done. i think i forgot to mention last chapter, but i am a very strange person. so if i say anything that doesn't make any sense, or is justcompletely random, it's perfectly normal. like the squirrel thing.ok, on to the thank yous -

Gryffindor777: my first review! thank you, i'll cherish it forever. i like the end of your name; 7 is one of my favorite numbers. it can also be substituted as the answer to any question.

Elizabeth: thank you, thank you, thank you! since you asked so politely, i updated.

ash vault rose garden: i agree, drunken bashes are great. technically i've never been to one, but I can use my very vivid imagination.

koryan'shea: like, thanks, like, a bunch... : )

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A/N: on a completely separate note, i only have 3 days of school left this year! go me! it should be easier for me to write more after that, so i can update more often. and, depending on how many reviews i get this time, the next update could be quicker than the last... BYE NOW :D


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: woohoo! no more school! in honor of today (the 9th) being the first day of my summer vacation, i decided to post a new chapter instead of waiting until friday. hope that makes people happy. oh, this chapter is quite a bit longer than the first two, just to let everyone know. :)

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Chapter 3

After a really long time being banished to his cupboard, Harry's punishment is finally over and he is allowed to venture to the outside world once again. He walks into the kitchen and makes a remark about the smell that meets him there.

Harry: Oh dear Lord, what is that horrible stench? I think I'm going to pass out.

Harry then makes quite a show of closing his eyes, putting the back of his hand to his forehead, then crumpling into a heap in the middle of the floor.

Petunia: Don't be stupid. I'm dying some of Dudley's old things gray for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished.

Harry suddenly jumps up and grins.

Harry: You mean my dream has finally come true? Everyone at school is going to dress like elephants?

Petunia is not amused by this.

Petunia: I told you not to be stupid!

Harry walks over to where the clothes are being dyed. He rests his hand on the side of the tub and Petunia freaks out.

Petunia: Get away from there! You're going to knock it over, then I'll have to spend the rest of the day cleaning it up.

Harry slowly backs away from the dangerous creature in front of him that is his aunt, and sits down at the table. Vernon then walks into the room, closely followed by Dudley who is wearing a new whale shirt. Harry sees this and unconsciously starts humming 'Baby Beluga' again. Either there is now so much fat in Dudley's head that he can no longer hear properly, or he has learned to ignore Harry's tauntings because he shows no emotion as he sits down at the table. The mail is then dropped into the slot. Vernon, in his special Jeopardy way, tells his son to go retrieve it.

Vernon: What is Dudley not doing at the moment?

Dudley: I don't want to get the mail today. Make Harry get it.

Vernon turns his gaze from his son to his nephew.

Vernon: What is Harry not doing at the moment?

Harry: I don't want to get it, make Dudley do it. You told him to first, anyway. Why did you let him get away with that? Aren't children supposed to respect their elders and do as they're told?

Vernon turns back to his son.

Vernon: Who is Dudley's Smelting stick not beating unconscious?

Dudley raises his stick and attempts to smack Harry on the head with it, but Harry ducks and dives out of his chair and across the room where he looks at the family and laughs maniacally before running into the hall to get the mail. Harry picks up everything laying in front of the door and notices that there is something there for him. Harry stares at it dumbly for a few seconds.

Harry's Thoughts: _Who would write to me? I don't have any friends. I bet it's the CIA asking me to help them with a secret mission! But wait, why would the CIA need help from a 10-year-old British boy?_

Harry continues to argue with himself as he makes his way back to the breakfast table. He hands the mail, except for his letter, to his uncle and sits down. Dudley sees that Harry got a letter and he didn't, becomes extraordinarily jealous, and screams to bring attention to himself.

Dudley: Hey! Why do you have a letter? Why _don't I_ have a letter? Daddy, take Harry's letter away from him so he doesn't feel special!

Vernon grabs the letter away from Harry and looks at who it's from. He freaks out and shows the letter to Petunia who shrieks and falls to the floor in a dead faint.

Vernon: You two, leave, now.

Harry: But I want to read it. I never get mail.

Dudley: Why do I have to leave? I'm supposed to be spoiled and get everything I want, and I want to see what that letter is.

Vernon: No, leave.

Harry: Will you at least tell me if it's from the CIA?

Vernon: NO, LEAVE!

Harry: Okay, sheesh, no need to get snappy.

Harry and Dudley reluctantly make their way out of the kitchen as Vernon rouses Petunia to discuss Harry's mail. Of course, Harry ends up having to eavesdrop while lying on the floor because Dudley would crush him if he argues. And that would bring an end to the story a little more quickly than many people would like. The boys hear Vernon and Petunia talking and conclude that something seriously weird is going on, and that it's all Harry's fault.

THAT EVENING

Vernon goes to see Harry. Harry isn't used to this and looks at his uncle like he has antlers growing out the sides of his head. He soon gets over his shock, though.

Harry: Was I right? Was it a letter from the CIA?

Vernon: No, don't be stupid. Why would the CIA send a letter to a 10-year-old British boy?

Harry: You know, I asked myself the same thing. I guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Hey, you didn't say everything in the form of a question, are you sick or something? I thought you were obsessed with Jeopardy and wanted to do everything like the people on the show.

Vernon: Well, I do love the show, but the whole obsession thing is just an act I put on in front of the family. It's funny to see the way they react when I let it slip. Alright, enough of this sappy getting to know one another. I came here to tell you that you're going to move into Dudley's second bedroom because your aunt and I are afraid that there are people spying on us and will see that we treat you like crap.

Harry: Who?

Vernon: Um... it doesn't matter. Don't ask any more questions. Just take your things to your new room.

With this, Vernon leaves the cupboard and Harry takes his things to his room. When he gets in there, he notices all of the broken things, especially the gun that was bent from Dudley sitting on it.

Harry's Thoughts: _Wow, I knew Dudley was fat, but I've only ever seen things like that in cartoons. I really wish the CIA had written to me. If they had, I could die happy. Okay, maybe not completely happy. I'd still like to see Paris someday, and maybe Iowa. Oh, and I want to set the record for the most maggots popped in an hour. (A/N: my dad wanted to be part of the story-writing process, so I let him choose that)._

Harry continues going through the list of things he wants to accomplish in his life in his head until he lays downs on his bed and loses consciousness.

NEXT MORNING

Harry walks into the kitchen and notices, as usual, that no one likes him, although his aunt and uncle are trying to hide the fact. Vernon tells Dudley to get the mail. Dudley is upset about this and makes his anger known by beating everything in sight with his stick.

Dudley: Dude! Why does Harry get all the mail? Since when is he more popular than me?

Vernon freaks out and runs to get the letter before either of the boys has a chance to see what it is. Now Harry, being the special boy that he is, uses his brain to come to the conclusion that since someone had sent something to him more than once because they realized that he hadn't received it the first time, they would probably try sending it again. He then comes up with a brilliant idea. Okay, so he has no proof that it's brilliant because he doesn't tell anybody about it to see what they think, but he likes to think it's brilliant.

NEXT MORNING

Harry wakes up early and gets ready to go down to the end of the street and wait for the mail before anybody else has a chance to see it. He walks down the stairs and decides to get his morning tap dance routine out of the way. He starts the dance and works his way over to the front door. Just as he comes to the more erratic part, he tramples something warm and squishy lying in front of the door. Harry trips and falls on the floor.

Harry: You threw off my groove! I hope you're happy.

Everyone wakes up and Harry gets yelled at for a while. Harry, once again, does not get his letter.

For the rest of the week, Vernon stays home from work and keeps Harry's letters from him. Vernon finally has enough on Sunday when letters start flooding into the house.

Vernon: OK, that's it, we're leaving! These bloody letters are freaking me out and I don't want to be around them anymore.

The family stares at him for a moment. Then Petunia breaks the silence.

Petunia: Vernon, dear, I thought you wanted to always talk like the people on Jeopardy.

Vernon thinks for a minute.

Vernon: I've decided that I want to be Alex Trebeck now. Now move!

The family all scrambles to their rooms to pack a few things to take with them. Vernon has to work very hard to keep from knocking Dudley unconcious for trying to pack all of his electronic devices. Everyone eventually gets packed and into the car.

Vernon drives them around for hours on end. When he finally gets tired of freaking out the rest of the family for the day, he stops at a hotel where they stay for the night. In the morning, Vernon destroys all the letters that showed up for Harry overnight. They all get back in the car and drive around some more, with Vernon stopping every few minutes in the most random places he can think of. Vernon finally has some kind of mental breakdown and parks the car on the beach, gets out, and disappears for a while.

LATER

Vernon comes back with food and a long, thin package.

Vernon: A hut on a rock in the middle of the sea.

A buzzer sounds.

Harry: Where are we staying tonight?

Vernon: Correct!

Harry: Woohoo!

Dudley: Where'd the buzzer come from?

Harry thinks for a minute.

Harry: Ebay?

Dudley: Oh.

The family gets into a boat and takes off for the hut on the rock in the middle of the sea in the freakin' cold weather.

IN THE HUT

After a very nutritious dinner, Harry lays on the floor of the hut because Dudley's a selfish brat and won't share the couch.

Harry's Thoughts: _Wow, now my life really sucks. At least back home I had something other than the floor to sleep on. If only the CIA hadn't written to me. I wouldn't be in this mess, then._

_Harry looks up from the floor at Dudley's watch._

Harry's Thoughts: _Yipee! It's almost my birthday! Even though I don't have a cake or any candles to blow out, I'll make a wish anyway. First I'll count down the seconds until midnight. Forty-seven, 46, 45, 44, 43, 42, this is boring. I'll just wait til 10 to go._

Harry waits.

Harry's Thoughts:_ ... 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, YAY! Happy birthday to me! OK, now for my wish. I wish a giant would show up at the door, even though it's nearly impossible to get here through the storm, and give me a copy of the letter the CIA has been trying to send me._

3 SECONDS LATER

BANG!

Harry: Yay! The giant's here! Wait, isn't it supposed to be boom?

Mystery Giant on the Other Side of the Door: Oh, right, sorry.

BOOM!

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A/N: still funny? i love to hear what people think, so if it's not too much trouble, please leave a review. i'll love you forever, i promise!

Danish Pastry 28: thank you for reviewing. you put me on your alert list! i feel so special! i also saw that you live in england. that is so cool, why can't i live in england? indiana is so boring. :'(

kartik: much thanks. you're acutally waiting for new chapters? wow... :D

Starvingartist: i thought baby beluga fit quite nicely. harry actually has songs for all people; that one was the easiest to come up with. thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

disclaimer: see chapter one

A/N: iii'mm baaaack! did you miss me? i was originally going to post this tomorrow (friday), but i got bored and decided to do it tonight. i'm slowly making progress with new chapters, but it's actually been harder to write since i've gotten out of school as my prime writing time was on the bus on my way home. oh well. i've really got nothing else to say at the moment, so read!

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Chapter 4

BOOM!

Harry: Come in!

BOOM! CRASH!

Harry: Hey! You didn't have to knock the door down, I told you to come in!

Mystery Giant: Sorry, this seemed like a better entrance than just walking in.

The giant comes into the hut on the rock in the middle of the sea and fixes the door. The Dursley's enter the room and freak out because there's a giant in the room.

Petunia: AHH! There's a giant in here!

Petunia faints.

Vernon: Boy! Why'd you let a giant in here? You made your aunt faint!

Giant: Quiet, you.

The giant smacks Vernon upside the head with his pimpin' pink umbrella, knocking him out. The giant then walks over to the couch and tells Dudley, who is still sleeping, to move. Dudley doesn't move, so the giant rolls him onto the floor and sits down. Dudley continues snoring. The giant turns to look at Harry.

Giant: Hey, Harry, what's up? Oh, happy birthday! I made you a cake.

The giant hands Harry the cake, which Harry accepts.

Harry: Umm... right, who are you?

Giant: Sorry, forgot to introduce myself. I'm Hagrid. I work at Hogwarts.

Hagrid says this as he starts to cook over the fire that, mysteriously, no one sees him light.

A few second later, Dudley suddenly sits up and looks straight ahead.

Dudley: I smell food. (AOL commercial, anyone?)

Dudley then sees Hagrid and promptly faints, just like dear old Mummy.

Harry: He's kinda strange, I know. Anyway, about this Hogwarts place you work at - what is it?

Hagrid: What do you mean 'what is it?' You know what Hogwarts is.

Harry: No, I don't.

Hagrid: Yes, you do.

Harry: NO, I don't.

Hagrid looks at Harry for a few moments.

Hagrid: You mean, those sorry excuses for relatives never told you that you mum and dad were a witch and wizard that went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and were killed by the darkest, most evil wizard in history, and that you're a wizard, too?

Harry: Nope. Don't recall ever hearing them let that slip.

Hagrid: Well, that's not good. Here, you should probably read this, then.

Hagrid hands Harry an envelope.

Harry: Dude! It the letter the CIA has been trying to send me!

Hagrid: CIA? No, it's from Hogwarts.

Harry: Oh, too bad.

Harry reads the letter.

Harry: Dude! I'm a wizard! How cool is that?

Hagrid: It's wicked cool.

Harry: And I get to go to school and learn how to do magic instead of going to a stupid school that I hate and learning math and science?

Hagrid: Ye-

Vernon: NO! I forbid you to take him to that joke of an institution and teach him that magic nonesense!

Hagrid: I thought I told you to be quiet. I don't like you. And I'm very upset that you kept Harry's true identity hidden from him for all these years.

Vernon: I don't care. If he's going to be living in my home, he won't be going!

Hagrid: OK, I tried to handle this like a gentleman, without yelling and all, but now you've gone and made me angry.

Hagrid pulls out his pimpin' pink umbrella and shoots a purple light in the general direction of the Dursleys. The light comes into contact with Dudley's backside and he squeals in pain as he sprouts a curly pig tail. The family hides in the back room.

Harry: Woah, will I get to learn how to do that?

Hagrid: Eventually. Umm, about that, don't mention it to anyone at school.

Harry: OK. Now, I was wondering what exactly happened to my parents. I was always told they were killed in a car accident.

Hagrid: Well, long story short, they chose not to join the Dark Side, so the leader of the Dark Side killed them. He tried to kill you, too, but I guess yoy were special, or something, because the only thing you got out of the whole ordeal was that scar on your head.

Harry: Wow, that was short. What was the Dark dude's name?

Hagrid: You just had to ask, didn't you?

Harry: Duh.

Hagrid: But, I don't wanna say it.

Harry: Why?

Hagrid: Umm...

Harry: Are you scared to say it?

Hagrid: NO! It's V... V-v...

Harry: You are too scared to say it.

Harry laughs. Hagrid pouts.

Hagrid: Only a little. OK, I'll say it, but just this once. Voldemort. There, happy?

Harry: Momentarily. What happened to him? Why isn't he still running around killing random people?

Hagrid: Don't know, no one does. Something happened to him when he tried to kill you that made his power disappear. Some think he died, some think he's waiting for the opportune moment to return. I, personally, think he opened a bookstore somewhere in Ontario.

Harry: I really made his powers disappear? I feel so special.

Hagrid: Yep, you're special. I'm tired now, go to sleep.

Harry: But the floor is cold and dirty.

Hagrid: Here, use this.

Hagrid takes his coat off and throws it to Harry. Harry catches the coat and falls to the floor under the weight of it.

Harry: Thanks.

Hagrid: No problem.

Harry spreads the coat out on the floor, lays down, and rolls himself up in it to keep warm. Ten seconds later, he screams like a little girl and jumps up out of the coat.

Hagrid: What happened?

Harry: It wiggled!

Hagrid: Oh, sorry about that. Probably just a mouse.

Harry stares.

Hagrid: It's OK, they won't come out of the pockets.

Harry nervously lays back down and goes to sleep, humming "Larger Than Life" by the Backstreet Boys. (A/N: yay! their new album came out on tuesday!)

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psychic squirrel: i love your name! it is so great. squirrels are the best. thanks for the review.

katie: ah, you've seen the character quirks. you must have visited my (and clam's) website. thank you for reviewing, glad you likeit.

I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD FOLLOW KATIE'S LEAD AND VISIT MY WEBSITE (click the homepage link on my profile page.) IT'S FUN, I PROMISE. :D

Gryffindor777: yay, you're the first to review multiple times! and yay, it's still funny! i'm glad you like the CIA thing; it comes back quite often. much thanks for the review.

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A/N: are you sick of seeing so many author's notes in this story so far? you are? oh, well too bad. : ) actually, i'm really very depressed at the moment. through the course of the past week i've found out that my parents, after being married for 18 years, are seriously considering divorce. i'll be even more depressed if they actually go through with it. please bring a tiny bit of joy back to my life by leaving a review and telling me what you think of my story. it really will make me feel better. until next time...


	5. Chapter 5

disclaimer: visit chapter 4

A/N: hello again. sorry for the lateness of this update. i meant to get it up two days ago, but i just didn't have the time. hopefully the length will make up for that. unless you don't like long chapters...

i'd like to take this time to advertise MY WEBSITE. MY WEBSITE is really fun to look at. on MY WEBSITE, you can read this story, plus a bunch of other things, such as songs and poems, that my friends and i have written. i think they're rather amusing. to get to MY WEBSITE, all you have to do is visit my profile page and click on the homepage link. ok, technically it's clam's, not mine, but we won't go there right now.

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Chapter 5

Harry slowly drifts into consciousness, but doesn't feel like opening his eyes right away.

Harry's Thoughts: _Dude, that was an intense dream. I've never dreamt of a giant coming to tell me I was a wizard before._

TAP TAP TAP

Harry's Thoughts: _Dude, what's that noise? It's so not cool this early in the morning. Better get up and make it stop._

Harry opens his eyes and sees an owl outside the window, tapping on the glass and trying to get in.

Harry's Thoughts: _Dude, why is there an owl trying to get in here? Dude, why do I keep saying Dude? Wait, where is here?_

Harry thinks these things as he walks over to the window and opens it, allowing the owl to enter. The owl drops a paper on the floor, then proceeds to attack Harry's hands.

Harry: Ow! Hey, what are you doing that for, you crazy, lunatic bird? Stop!

Hagrid: He wants paid for delivering the paper.

When Harry hears this he spins around and searches for the source of the voice. Then he sees Hagrid.

Harry: Holy dear mother of God! Who are you and how did you get into my hut on a rock in the middle of the sea?

Hagrid is confused. He could have sworn that Harry had a better memory than what he was currently displaying.

Hagrid: I'm Hagrid, and I came in through the front door last night. Don't you remember?

Harry: You mean, that wasn't a dream?

Hagrid: Umm... no, I'm gonna hafta say it wasn't.

Harry: So, I really am a wizard?

Hagrid: Yes, that sounds about right.

Harry: And I really am going to a school to learn magic?

Hagrid: Yep, uh huh.

Harry: Oh, OK, just wanted to clear that up. Being a wizard is going to be so awesome. I can't wait to learn all those

fun words to cast spells. Do I get to have a magic wand?

Hagrid: Yes.

Harry: That's the shiznit.

Hagrid: Huh?

Harry: Nothing. OK, so, you said the owl wants paid for delivering the mail. How much?

Hagrid: Five knuts.

Harry: Knuts? That may be the strangest type of currency I've ever heard of. Where can I find five knuts?

Hagrid: Look around in the pockets of my coat, there should be some in there somewhere.

Harry digs around in the coat pockets until he pulls out a handful of coins.

Harry: Which ones are knuts?

Hagrid: The little bronze ones.

Harry: OK. What are they other ones called?

Hagrid: The gold ones are galleons and the silver ones are sickles.

Harry: Sickles? Like the really sharp, extremely dangerous farming device?

Hagrid: Sure, if that's how you want to think of it.

Hagrid's Thoughts: _I really hope he isn't known to have psychotic episodes. That would really suck for everyone._

Hagrid finally gets off the couch and gets ready to take Harry to buy all of his new school things.

Hagrid: OK, let's go. We gotta buy a lot of stuff for you today, and I'd like to get done A.S.A.P.

Harry: Buy a lot of stuff? I don't have any money, how am I going to buy a lot of stuff?

Hagrid: You have money, trust me.

Harry: How do you know I have money? Why didn't I know I had money? How long have I had this money that I didn't even know existed?

Hagrid: Woah, slow down. I'll show you if you go and get in the boat so we can leave.

Harry looks at Hagrid suspiciously for a moment.

Harry: Fine, but I better actually have this money you speak of. If I don't, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Hagrid: You're 11 years old; you don't have a lawyer.

Harry: Oh, yeah, right. Well, then, just forget I said anything. Let's go get in that boat, shall we?

IN THE BOAT

Harry: I just thought of something. If there's only one boat here, how did you get here last night?

Hagrid: Flew.

Harry: You flew? I thought you weren't supposed to use magic.

Hagrid: Well, if you want to get technical about it, then no, I'm not supposed to. But I was allowed to for this assignment. Say, you want to see me do some more magic?

Harry: Sure.

Hagrid: You're not going to say anything about it at Hogwarts, are you?

Harry: Of course not. That would just be stupid. If I did that, you could hold it over my head for the rest of my life and bring it up whenever you think I need to feel guilty about something.

Hagrid: You think about things too much. You need to get a hobby, or something. Yeah, just make sure you don't say anything. I don't need anymore trouble from the Ministry.

Harry: Ministry?

Hagrid: The Ministry of Magic.

Harry: There's a Ministry of Magic? I don't think Uncle Vernon would like to hear that.

Hagrid: Of course there's a Ministry of Magic. Where do you think our laws come from, thin air? They even wanted

Dumbledore for Minister. Didn't take the offer though.

Harry: Why not?

Hagrid: Well, he obviously likes spending his time around children more than boring adults.

Harry: He's not related to Michael Jackson, is he?

Hagrid: Who?

Harry: Nevermind. So, who's Minister if it's not Dumbledore?

Hagrid: Cornelius Fudge.

Harry starts laughing.

Hagrid: What's so funny?

Harry: That's a really stupid sounding name.

Hagrid: Oh, I guess it is.

Hagrid joins Harry in laughter and neither stop until they get to shore.

WALKING THROUGH TOWN

Harry and Hagrid finally make it back to civilization. Hagrid keeps saying really random stuff about normal things.

Harry doesn't think Hagrid is the fluffiest squirrel in the tree.

Harry: Where, exactly, are we going?

Hagrid: First, we're going to the train station. Then, we're taking the train to London. After that, we're going to end up in a secret wizard street behind a secret wizard pub.

Harry: Sounds exciting. When do I get my money?

Hagrid: When we get to the secret wizard street we'll go to the bank.

Harry: How long has my money been in this bank? How do you know it's still there? What if someone stole it?

Hagrid: Nobody stole it. It's impossible to rob Gringotts.

Harry: Why is it impossible to rob Gringotts?

Hagrid: 'Cause the goblins that work there are mean little critters and no one wants to get caught by them and face their wrath. Oh, and there may also be dragons guarding the vaults.

Harry: Dragons? Dragons are real?

Hagrid: Of course, why wouldn't they be? I think it would be totally awesome to own a dragon.

Hagrid has a dreamy look on his face.

Harry: Aren't dragons really dangerous?

Hagrid: Yeah, that's why it's illegal to keep them as pets. Hey, look, we're at the train station now.

Harry pays for their tickets and they go find seats to sit in. Hagrid gets many strange look because, let's face it, he's humungous, and people enjoy staring at the unnatural. Hagrid asks Harry if he still has his letter. Harry answers in the affirmative and takes it out to read through the list of things he needs to buy to make his new school year productive.

LONDON

Hagrid and Harry arrive. They walk down the street on their way to wherever Hagrid is leading them. Harry enjoys looking at all the shiny things around him. Hagrid is a little worried when Harry stops in front of a jewelry store and just stared in the window for about five minutes, before he turns and walks away, as if it never even happened. The two find their way to the secret wizard pub (The Leaky Cauldron) and go inside. Everyone is shocked into silence when Harry walks in. Harry stares at them all suspiciously, then turns to look at Hagrid.

Harry: You all work for the CIA, don't you? This is a set-up, isn't it? Is this about the thing with the president? I swear, I didn't know he was afraid of pretzels!

Harry is now sitting on the floor with his knees drawn up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them, rocking back and forth.

Some Random Person in the Crowd: Umm... what's the CIA?

Harry: You mean, you don't work for them?

Some Random Person in the Crowd: Nope, never heard of them.

Harry: Oh, OK. Nevermind, then.

Harry stands up. Everyone suddenly gets tired of sitting and being quiet, so they all get up and rush Harry, saying anything they can think of to get his attention.

New Random Person: OMG, are you really Harry Potter?

Another Random Person: I've been waiting my whole life to meet you!

Harry: Wait, I'm only eleven, and you're, what, 40? How could you have been waiting 40 years to meet someone who's only been around eleven?

Another Random Person: Umm... really bad math?

Crazed Fangirl: Ahh!

Crazed Fangirl passes out.

Yet Again, A New Random Person: So, are you really Harry Potter, or are you just someone pretending to be him to fool us all and make us feel stupid?

Harry: I really am Harry Potter. Is there anyone else here who wants to meet me? I can tell I'm obviously really famous, and I wouldn't want to deny my adoring fans the chance to meet their idol.

Another new person steps forward. This person is pale, twitchy, and wearing a purple turban and a bright orange disco suit.

Hagrid: Harry, this is Professor Quirrel. He's gonna teach you Defense Against the Dark Arts. Make sure you pay attention in his class. It'll pay off in the end.

Harry: Okaaay... enough cryptic messages from the giant. Why is he wearing a bright orange disco suit?

Hagrid: He and Dumbledore have had one too many _Saturday Night Fever_ parties, we think it's gone to his head. But we don't like to talk about it too much. He seems happy.

Harry: Got it. Alright, let's go get my money already. I'm still not sure if I believe it's really there. I want to actually see it before I get excited about having it.

Hagrid: OK, guess we're out. See ya'll later!

Everyone At The Pub: Bye Hagrid and Harry!

Harry and Hagrid walk out the back door into a tiny, concrete courtyard.

Harry: I think I like them. They were like one big, really strange family.

Hagrid: That's good to know, I think. OK, stand back, this could get messy.

Harry: Messy? I don't see anything around here that could make a mess. Unless, of course, you have a bomb in your pocket and decided you want to blow everything up.

Hagrid: Actually, I just said it more for effect. Didn't seem to work, though. Anyway, here we go.

Hagrid taps a certain brick in the wall three times with his pimpin' pink umbrella. Nothing happens.

Hagrid: Oops, wrong brick.

Hagrid recalculates and taps a different brick. The wall suddenly opens up into an archway that leads to a magical street.

Hagrid: Welcome to Diagon Alley.

Harry: Dude, that was so awesome. Do it again.

Hagrid: Um, we actually have to go through now. We have to get your money, remember?

Harry: Oh, that's right. Let's go.

Hagrid and Harry set off down the street. They walk past a bunch of shops full of things that Harry has never seem before. They eventually make their way to the bank at the end of the street. Harry sees what he thinks is a statue standing beside the entrance to the building. Then he sees it move.

Harry: Eeek! Creepy! Why is it moving?

Goblin: Now, really, don't you think that's a bit harsh? I don't freak out every time a human walks by.

Hagrid: Harry, that's a goblin. He works at the bank.

Harry: Oh.

The goblin opens the door and lets the two in the building.

Harry steps inside and is immediately mesmerized by everything he sees. He especially likes all of the large gems. He even has the urge to stuff all of them into a duffel bag, move to the Caribbean, and proclaim himself King of the

World. However, he decided this probably isn't a very good idea, considering he's only eleven years old; not a very believable age for someone claiming that important of a title. Harry then snaps back to himself and follows Hagrid to the counter where they are helped by a second goblin.

Hagrid: We're here to make a withdrawal from Harry Potter's account.

Goblin Number 2: Do you have his key?

Hagrid: Yes, I do...

Hagrid reaches into his coat pocket in search of Harry's key.

Hagrid: Somewhere...

Hagrid then begins taking things out of his pockets. At first there are only small things, like pencils and paper clips.

Then there are bigger things, such as a tea cup and a ball of yarn. Harry is impressed as Hagrid finally pulls a bowling ball and pin out of one of his pockets.

Hagrid suddenly stops emptying his pockets and puts his hand up to his neck, pulling on a string tied around it.

Hagrid: Oh, I forgot, I put it around my neck so I wouldn't lose it.

Goblin Number 2: That's nice. Now, kindly unbury me so I can get someone to take you to Mr. Potter's vault.

Hagrid returns all of his items back to his pockets.

Hagrid: Oh, I've also got some Hogwarts business to attend to while I'm here.

Goblin Number 2: Great, Griphook can help you with both things. Griphook!

Griphook: Yes?

Goblin Number 2: Please escort these gentlemen to their respective destinations.

Griphook: Right away, sir.

Griphook leads Harry and Hagrid through a door and into a tunnel. He summons a cart for them to sit in. They all get situated and the cart takes off down the passageway.

Harry: Wee! This is just like a roller coaster! Only, I don't know what a roller coaster is like because my relatives suck and have never taken me to an amusement park.

Harry ponders for a minute.

Harry: Wee! This is just like what I've always imagined a roller coaster to be like! Hagrid, what's wrong? Are you sick? Are you not enjoying this?

Hagrid: No.

Harry: Wow. You suck! You should enjoy this! It's a great form of entertainment!

Hagrid turns to Harry, looking a little angry and quite green.

Harry: I'm sorry! Really, I am... Please don't throw up on me.

The cart suddenly jolts to a stop.

Griphook: First stop; Mr. Harry Potter's vault.

Hagrid: Thank God, firm ground.

The three get out of the cart and Griphook unlocks Harry's vault for him. Harry looks inside and sees mountains of money in there.

Harry: You weren't lying, I really do have money. Cool.

Hagrid: Yeah, it's cool. Stop spinning.

Harry ignores Hagrid and continues spinning in circles until Griphook grabs his hand and stops him.

Harry: Aw, I never get to have any fun.

Hagrid: We don't have time for that right now. Just grab some money so we can waste the next few hours spending it all.

Harry: Oh, that sounds like fun.

Harry fills a little sack with as many coins as he can. He then gets back into the cart with Hagrid and Griphook. The cart takes off down another tunnel and Harry again imagines himself being at the greatest amusement park on the planet.

The cart makes one more stop in the catacombs beneath London. Hagrid and Griphook both get out of the cart. Griphook opens the door of the vault with, what Harry deems, his creepy goblin powers.

Harry: Fun! I think I like seeing magic. I want to see more of it to make sure I love it. Hurry up Hagrid. We need to get out of here so I can see more magic.

Hagrid: OK, OK, hold your horses.

Hagrid grabs a tiny package out of the second vault of the day, then gets back into the cart.

Harry: You know, I've never really understood that expression. I don't have any horses to hold. In fact, I've never seen anyone have horses with them when someone says that to them.

Hagrid: You think too much, you know that?

Harry: I've been informed of that on several different occasions, yes.

DIAGON ALLEY

After his last ride of the day, Harry finds himself back outside.

Harry: What should I buy first?

Hagrid: Uniform, it's closest. You know, I'm feeling kinda sick from that stupid cart, do you mind if I abandon you in a world you've never been to before so I can go drink a bunch of alcohol?

Harry: Go ahead.

Hagrid: Thanks, I knew you'd understand.

Hagrid walks away and leaves Harry to enter the robe shop alone.

Harry's Thoughts: _Well, this sucks a little bit. I have no idea what I'm doing. Oh, look, that must be the shop owner._

Maybe she can help me.

Madam Malkin: Hogwarts, dear?

Harry: Yes.

Harry's Thoughts: Well, that was easier than expected.

Madam Malkin: OK, go stand on the stool next to that boy over there.

Harry walks to the back of the shop and jumps up on the indicated stool. He then looks at the boy next to him and is shocked when he sees that the boy had just put on a large cowboy hat.

Harry: Nice hat.

Boy: Thanks, I got it at a Garth Brooks concert last year. Hey, are you going to Hogwarts too?

Harry: Yes, I am.

Boy: Great. My parents are out buying all my school things for me. Then, I'm going to make them get me a new hat. I can't wear one that I got from someone who will soon be my rival while I perform. After that, I'll make them take me to look at brooms. Do you have one?

Harry: Have one what?

Boy: A blue dancing elephant.

Harry stares.

Boy: A broom, bright one.

Harry: Oh. No.

Boy: Do you play Quidditch?

Harry: Uh, no.

Boy: You don't? What's wrong with you? I do. And I'm very good. My father says I should be picked to play for my house team. Do you know which house you'll be in?

Harry: Umm... no... am I supposed to?

Boy: Technically, no one actually knows until they've been sorted, but my whole family has been in Slytherin, so that's where I'm bound to end up. As long as I don't get sorted into Hufflepuff, though, I think I could survive.

Harry: I see.

Boy: Wow! That guy's large. He should win some kind of prize for that or something.

Harry: Oh, that's Hagrid. He's the gamekeeper at Hogwarts. He's here with me because my parents are dead and the relatives that I live with suck monkeys.

Boy: Oh. Were your parents our kind?

Harry: Our kind? You mean, you're from the planet Ni-Pang-Niwong, too?

Boy: What?

Harry: Oh, sorry, you meant were they a witch and wizard. Yes, they were.

Boy: Well, that's good. I would have to either ignore you or make fun of you if you were from a muggle family. What did you say your name was?

Madam Malkin suddenly comes out of the back room with something in her hands. She hands it to the boy.

Madam Malkin: Here's your special order, sir. One pair of black leather chaps with matching vest, complete with fringe around the bottom.

Boy: Ah, great! It'll be nice to practice my show with the complete ensemble from now on.

Madam Malkin then turns to Harry.

Madam Malkin: And you're done, dear. You can leave now.

Harry leaves the shop and meets Hagrid outside. Hagrid is concerned because Harry is unusually quiet and looks depressed.

Hagrid: Harry, what's wrong? You're unusually quiet and you look depressed.

Harry sighs.

Harry: I guess I just feel really stupid because I don't know anything about the wizarding world.

Hagrid: Oh. Yeah, I can see how that would make you feel pretty stupid. Maybe I can help you with that problem. What do you want to know?

Harry: Alright, what's Quidditch?

Hagrid: Wizard sport. Played on brooms in the air and you have four balls and I don't really know the rules so I'll let you find them out from someone else. Next?

Harry: OK, what are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?

Hagrid: School houses. Everyone thinks Hufflepuffs are too cuddly and annoying, and the Slytherins are just evil. The Dark Dude that I was telling you about before was in Slytherin.

Harry: Woah, someone famous went to the school that I'm going to.

Hagrid stares at Harry in disbelief.

Harry: I mean... it's horrible that he was exposed to all those other innocent children.

Harry and Hagrid then go around Diagon Alley collecting the rest of Harry's school supplies. Hagrid buys Harry an owl for his birthday, and makes Harry feel guilty in the process. Hagrid ignores Harry until Harry stops thanking him. They finally make their way to Mr. Ollivander's shop to buy Harry's wand.

INSIDE OLLIVANDER'S

Harry and Hagrid are greeted by a creepy old guy that Harry assumes is Mr. Ollivander.

Mr. Ollivander: Why, hello Mr. Potter. I wondered when I'd be seeing you in here. You look just like your father, but you have your mother's eyes. I remember them like it was just yesterday. And I remember the wands that I sold them also. Your father's was an 11 inch mahogany wand. Your mother's was a 10 1/4 inch wand made of willow. Isn't it great how I know all this stuff about your family without you even realizing it?

Harry stares. Mr. Ollivander looks at Harry's forehead.

Mr. Ollivander: Oh, and that's your wicked cool scar. I must confess, I sold the wand that did that. Thirteen and a half inches, made of yew.

Harry: Made of me?

Mr. Ollivander: No, yew. Y-E-W. It's a type of wood.

Harry: Oh, right, I knew that.

Mr. Ollivander turns around.

Mr. Ollivander: Ah! Hagrid! So good to see you!

Harry: You just noticed he was here? How could you have missed him when we came in? He's a freakin' giant!

Angry Mob Outside Shop: Hey, it's not nice to make fun of large people!

Harry: No, he's literally a giant. Well, half giant at least. His mother was one.

Angry Mob Outside Shop: Oh, sorry.

Angry mob dissipates.

Author: Wait, you don't know that until the fourth book.

Harry: Oh, uh, whoops?

Mr. Ollivander: OK, moving on. Harry, let's find you a wand.

Harry: Whoo!

The next part of the afternoon is spent going through just about every single wand in the entire store, trying to find one that is right for Harry. Harry is a very difficult person to find a wand for. After they go through about 7,000 wands, Harry finally finds one that he thinks could work for him, but it turns out to be a false alarm. They go back to searching through more wands.

Mr. Ollivander: Hmm... I wonder if this one would work. I could be perfect, but it could also be very bad. I've never seen a case like this, so I don't know what to expect. Maybe-

Harry: Are you going to stand there and babble much longer?

Mr. Ollivander: Eh, what the hell, we'll give it a shot.

Mr. Ollivander hands Harry a wand. Harry tries the wand out and it obviously does what it's supposed to because Mr. Ollivander is happy about what he sees.

Mr. Ollivander: oh, thank God, I didn't know what would happen with that one.

Harry: Why would this one have been so much worse than the others? I, personally, thought the one that blew up everything purple in the shop was pretty bad.

Mr. Ollivander: Well, I thought this one might hurt you. Possibly even kill you. You see, there's a phoenix feather in the middle of your wand, and the phoenix that gave it gave one other feather. That feather ended up in You-Know-Who's wand. Yeah, I figured that since that wand cursed you, it's brother wand could have some really strange effect on you.

Harry: Oh, I see. Well, it didn't, and I'm tired, so let's go.

Harry and Hagrid leave.

Hagrid leads Harry back into London and stops to get them something to eat before helping Harry onto the train, then handing Harry his ticket for the school train. Hagrid then leaves Harry alone on the train that will take him back to his sucky relatives for the rest of the summer.

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woohoo! both of my newest reviewers reviewed more than once! i now have a total of 15. it would make me happy to have just a few more, if it's not too much trouble...

Karen: yay! you like my story! that makes me feel special. i, too, thought the pimpin' pink umbrella was a wonderful addition to this story. thanks for the offer.

Grim Reaper's Assistant: much thanks. yes, i like the backstreet boys; please don't hate me! hey, why are you threatening bill? what did he ever do to you?

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A/N: did you get through it without falling asleep? if you did; yay! if not; i'm sorry! i know it's long, but it just wouldn't stop. i have a feeling the next chapter will be somewhere around the same length, just to let you know. and another note about my personal life, which i'm sure everyone just _loves_ to hear about -after next week's update, there may not be one for the two weeks following. i'm going to visit my grandmother in tennessee during that time. i have internet access there, but i don't know that i'll be able to update. if i do get that chance, i'll be sure to do so. ok, i'm done now. please leave a review?


	6. Chapter 6 Part 1

disclaimer: not here. search for it.

A/N: ... hi...? i'm really sorry it's taken me so long to update. i feel horrible that i've not gotten anything up in over a month. it's ok to hate me now. chapter six isn't actually completely done, but i decided to post it in two parts so i could at least get something up before i go back to school and loose all of my free time. so, without further ado, here's part one of chapter six...

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Chapter 6, Part 1

For the rest of the summer, Harry's sucky relatives remain sucky, which is pretty much expected. Harry spends all his time locked in his room with his new owl (which Hagrid bought for him in Diagon Alley) because his sucky relatives ignore him and the owl is the only one that will pay attention to him (except when she leaves at night to go hang with all her cool owl friends). He spends so much time with the owl that he starts to consider her a person and gives her her own theme song. He even names it _Hedwig's Theme_, after her.

On August 31st, Harry ventures out of his room to visit his uncle, who is still in Alex Trebek mode (he find this an easier way to communicate with others).

Harry: Uncle Vernon?

Vernon: What?

Harry: Can you give me a ride to the train station tomorrow so I can go to the school that you hate?

Vernon: Sure, why not?

Harry: Thanks... Hey, why are you being nice to me?

Vernon: Well, I figure something bad will eventually happen to you, then I can use being nice to you know as an excuse not to help you then.

Harry: Oh, that does sound more like you. OK, see you tomorrow.

Vernon: You might.

Harry finds this comment strange and turns to look at his uncle. Vernon is standing, holding a pitchfork, with a maniacal look on his face.

Harry: What?

Harry closes his eyes and shakes his head. He then looks at his uncle again.

Vernon: I said 'good night.' Now leave!

Harry goes back to his room.

NEXT DAY

Harry wakes up really early and makes sure he has everything he needs for school. He is so worried about forgetting something, that he even forgets to do his morning tap dance routine.

When the rest of his sucky family finally gets up and around, they get in the car and head to the train station. Vernon does even more nice things for Harry when they get there.

Vernon: Where do you want your stuff taken to?

Harry: Platform 9 3/4.

Vernon: Very well, let's go.

Vernon pushes Harry's cart to platform nine, and stops.

Vernon: I don't see a platform 9 3/4 anywhere. My prediction seems to have come true. See you next summer!

Vernon waves to Harry and leaves him alone at the train station.

Harry: Well, this is just lovely, isn't it?

Harry becomes depressed and begins searching for his platform. He asks the guard about it and gets laughed at. He cries.

Some Random Person in the Crowd: ... Muggle...

Harry's head snaps up.

Harry's Thoughts: _Muggle? Dude, I know that word. Dude, here I am saying dude again! WTF? Oh well, no time to worry about that now. Must find the person that said Muggle._

Harry searches the crowd for the person who said Muggle. He finds a short, red-headed woman with lots of red-headed children standing between platforms nine and ten. He walks up to them.

Harry: Excuse me, did you say 'Muggle' just a moment ago?

Short, Red-headed Woman: Yes, I did.

Harry: Yay! That means I'm not completely SOL. See, I'm supposed to get on a train to go to school, but I don't know how. And I've got sucky relatives who think magic is stupid and won't do anything to help me and they left me here by myself. Can you help me?

Short, Red-headed Woman: Of course I can help you! That's what I'm here for. All of my boys here are going to Hogwarts, too. Ginny, here, will go next year. This is Ron's first year. Maybe you two can become good friends and go on lots of little adventures together.

Harry: Sounds good, but I think we should really probably find the train first, as we've got less than ten minutes to get on.

Short, Red-headed Woman: Oh, right, sorry. Percy, you can go first and show this nice young boy what to do.

Percy grabs his cart and walks through the barrier between platforms nine and ten.

Harry: Woah, that was sweet! Do it again!

Short, Red-headed Woman: Alright, Fred, your turn.

Fred: I'm not the one that is Fred, you see.

George: Yes, the one that is Fred is me.

Harry: Umm...

Ron: They've found that they like to speak in rhyme, or unison, for some odd, unknown reason.

Harry: Got it.

Short, Red-headed Woman: oh, sorry. I guess George is next.

Fred & George: Haha! You fell for it again!

Short, Red-headed Woman: You know what? I don't care who you are anymore. One of you just go through so this nice young man can watch and be amazed again.

Fred & George: Fine, be that way.

Fred and George disappear through the barrier, just like Percy.

Harry: I wanna try. Can I?

Short, Red-headed Woman: Of course! You can go next, then Ron will follow you.

Harry: Yay!

Harry disappears through the barrier.

Harry's Thoughts: _Well, that wasn't quite as thrilling as I'd hoped. I should probably move out of the way before someone else comes through the barrier and runs int-_

Ron comes through the barrier and runs into Harry, knocking them both to the ground.

Ron: Dude, what were you doing standing right in the way?

Harry: Dude, you say dude, too? Thank God. I thought I was the only one. Oh, I was actually trying to convince myself to move out of the way before someone else came through the barrier and ran into me. I'm not very persuasive.

Ron: Guess not.

Harry looks around and sees lots of cats and owls and other animals.

Harry: This place is kinda like a petting zoo... OK, I'm gonna go find a seat.

Ron: You do that. I will, too.

The boys go their separate ways and head toward the train.

Harry finds a section of the train that he deems suitable and attempts to get his trunk up the steps. After trying for a few minutes with no progress, Harry becomes aggravated and drops the trunk on his foot. George hears his howls of pain and walks over to investigate.

George: While over there I heard you yelp. Do you think you need some help?

Harry: Uh, sure.

George: Fred!

Fred walks over and the three of them get the trunk onto the train.

Harry: Thanks.

Harry wiped the sweat off of his forehead, and reveals his wicked cool scar in the process. The twins gawk.

Harry: What are you two looking at?

Fred: Oh, dear.

George: He's here.

Harry: Who's here?

Fred & George: Harry Potter.

Harry: Really? Where?

Harry spins around, trying to find the person the are talking about. The twins point to Harry.

Harry: Me? Oh, right, that is my name.

Harry is sad that he does not get to meet anyone famous. The boys then hear someone calling for Fred and George.

Fred and George say good-bye to Harry and leave to find out what their mother wants from them. Harry sits down in the empty compartment and waits for something interesting to happen.

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woohoo! people like my story! must thank them.

Julie Long: i'm organized? wow, thank you. that is probably the best compliment i've gotten. it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Chickens-of-Doom: thanks, glad you like it. i thought the CIA thing was quite amusing, myself, but i don't know that it will still play a major part in the rest of the story. it was just a random thought. and the theme songs are kinda difficult to come up with. any particular song you'd like to see for any of the characters?

Secret Whisper 92: you were crying? i wasn't aware it was that funny. guess that's a good thing. thanks for the review!

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A/N: once again, i'm _soo _sorry for the lateness. i know that's an awful place to stop, but that's all i have done. i'll really try to get the next part up soon, but i can't promise anything, what with my mom moving out this week and getting ready to go back to school next week. in case anyone was wondering, my parents aren't divorced yet, but it will probably happen soon. does anyone really care to know this? if not, just tell me to stop blabbering about my problems. it won't hurt my feelings. anyway, moving on. to help me get motivated to finish writing the sixth chapter, you could leave a review. even if you've left one for another chapter. they really make me happy and make me want to write. please? oh, and if anyone finds any mistakes in here, please tell me so i can fix them. i don't have a beta... ok, bye now!


	7. Chapter 6 Part 2

a/n: omg, has it seriously been two and a half months since i've updated this? you guys have no idea how horrible that makes me feel. although, i do have a reason for _still_ not having chapter six done (this is part two of, hopefully, only three parts). my grandma passed away in the middle of september, andi really just haven't been in the mood to write anything since then.but, i am starting to get back to normal, so i'll try to write more soon. oh, and just to let everyone know, this story _did _start out as just a filler for time between updates of my other story, the spawn of hogwarts. so that one kinda wins out whenever i get time to do anything (even though this one gets more reviews :D). that one was actually updated just a couple of days ago. i suggest everyone go and read it, since it is such a fabulous exa- ok, that sentence is too arrogant for even me to finish. please read it? it would make me happy. and i know this chapter sucks huge monkeys, so it's ok to not be impressed by it. you are now free to wander aimlessly...

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Chapter 6, Part 2

The twins leave the train and search for their mother. They find her trying to give Ron a spit bath.

Ron: Eew! No! Get away from me, devil woman!

Ron tries to struggle away as his mother puts him in a choke-hold to keep him in place.

Short, Red-headed Woman: But Ron, you've got dirt on your nose.

Ron: How many times do I have to tell you; it's not dirt, it's war paint!

Short, Red-headed Woman: Fine, I won't let you go to school with 'war paint' on your nose. It looks bad.

Ron: No! Leave me alone!

Ron continues to struggle until he finally breaks free. His mother gives up and lets him run away.

Short, Red-headed Woman: Fine, be that way. It'll be your fault that you can't get a girlfriend because they don't like your face.

Ron: Eew! Why would I want a girfriend? Girls have cooties! I'd rather eat a toadstool.

The Short, Red-headed Woman glares at her son. She then turns her attention to a new concern.

Short, Red-headed Woman: Where's Percy?

Percy: I am here, but I cannot stay long. I must return to sit with the prefects.

Short, Red-headed Woman: Oh, that's nice dear.

Everyone Else Standing There: ...

Percy: Did you all not hear me? I said I'm sitting with the _prefects_.

Everyone Else Standing There: ...

Percy: PREFECTS!

Fred: Don't you understand; no one cares.

George: Why don't you go play with some bears?

Percy: But bears are dangerous.

Fred & George: Exactly.

Percy: I don't get it, why would I want- hey! That's mean!

Percy tries to cause the twins physical harm, but they tie his arms and legs together and leave him to hop back to the other prefects for help.

Fred: Now that that's out of the way,

George: Want to know who we met today?

Short, Red-headed Woman: Who?

Fred & George: Harry Potter.

Ginny speaks for the first time since arriving at the train station.

Ginny: No way! You're joking, right? Where is he? What does he look like? Is he good-looking? Do you think he'd sign something for me?

Fred: Yes, way.

George: No.

Fred: On the train.

George: You've seen him.

Fred: I'm not qualified to answer that.

George: Maybe next summer.

Ginny: Why next summer?

Fred & George: Train's leaving.

Short, Red-headed Woman: Ahh! You three are supposed to be on the train! Hurry up, run!

Fred, George, and Ron all run and make it onto the train before it leaves the station completely.

ON THE TRAIN

Harry sits quietly, watching the scenery pass by the window. He is startled when the door suddenly slides open.

Harry: Agghhh!

Ron: Agghhh!

Harry: Oh, it's you. You scared me and made me scream like a girl!

Ron: Sorry. Well, your scream made me scream.

Harry: But your scream wasn't as girly sounding as mine.

Harry looks annoyed and glares at Ron.

Ron: Umm... sorry?

Harry is immediately pacified.

Harry: Thank you. An apology was all that was required.

Ron: Oh, ok... I guess. Do you mind if I sit in here with you?

Harry: Of course not! Go ahead and sit down. You can even have that entire bench to yourself.

Ron: Wow, a whole bench to myself. Yay!

Ron sits down and the compartment is silent for a few minutes. Then Harry has an idea.

Harry: Hey, wanna play a game?

Ron: Sure. What's it called?

Harry: It's called 'Guess Who I Am." It's really simple. All you have to do is guess my name. If you get it in three tries, you win.

Ron: Ok.

Harry: Ready? Go!

Ron: Umm... Dr. Phil?

Harry: Nope, try again.

Ron: Darn. Hmm, let's see. How about... Napaliebalous Otto Parts?

Harry: Wrong again. One more guess.

Ron: Wow, this is more difficult than I thought it would be. I'm not sure I'll be able to get it in just one more guess.

Harry ponders for a moment.

Harry: Ok, I'll give you a hint; I'm famous.

Ron: But, Dr. Phil is famous, and you're not him.

Harry: Dr. Phil is old... and bald. I'm not old, or bald, so there's no way I could be Dr. Phil.

Ron: Fine, then, give me another hint.

Harry starts to become slightly annoyed, but answers anyway.

Harry: I've got a wicked cool scar.

Ron: ... Still drawing a blank.

Harry becomes slightly more annoyed.

Harry: Your brothers just told you and your sister and mother that they met me.

Ron: ... OH! You must be Harry Potter!... You look different than I always imagined you, that must be why I didn't know who you were. I thought you would have had light brown hair, and been a little taller.

Harry: Oh, then I forgive you. So, looks like we're going to be spending the next few hours together; anything interesting you want to tell my about yourself?

Ron: I've got five brothers and a sister.

Harry: Five? Wow, that's amazing. All I've got is a whale-cousin.

Ron: Your cousin's a whale?

Harry: Well, not really, but he kinda looks like one. Tell me more about your family. The topic sparks my interest.

Ron: Ok... Well, my two oldest brothers, Bill and Charlie, have already left school. Percy's a Prefect, Fred and George are twins, and Ginny's a girl. Ok, your turn. Tell me about your family.

Harry: My cousin's name is Dudley. He looks like a whale. My uncle resembles a walrus, and my aunt reminds me of a horse. They hate me, and I hate them. They are the suckiest relatives anyone could ever have.

Ron: That sounds pretty bad.

Harry: Yeah. Not much fun. New topic! I just got an owl. Do you have any pets?

Ron: Yeah, a rat, Scabbers.

Ron points to the rat, which is sleeping in his pocket. Harry freaks out.

Harry: Eew! A rat? Rats are dirty animals. And you're letting it sleep in your pocket? You must be insane.

Ron: He's not dirty. I just gave him a bath last night.

Harry: Oh, ok then.

Suddenly the door opens and Harry sees a cart outside, full of candy. The lady pushing the cart slowly peers around the door and into the compartment.

Lady Pushing Candy Cart: Would you boys like some nice, sweet candy?

Harry: You're a little bit creepy. Have you been informed of this before?

The lady glares at Harry.

Harry is fearful for his life.

Harry: Yes, I would live to buy some candy. Give me some of everything.

The lady smiles.

Lady Pushing Candy Cart: Wonderful. I'll get that for you right away.

Harry and Ron eat the candy that Harry buys. Harry opens one of the Chocolate Frogs and looks at the card in there. The picture on the card moves. Harry drops the card.

Harry: Holy dear lord! What's wrong with that thing?

Ron looks over at Harry, wondering what had caused his outburst.

Ron: What are you talking about? What's wrong with what thing?

Harry: The picture!

Ron picks up the card and looks at it.

Ron: I don't see anything wrong with it.

Harry: IT MOVED!

Ron: ... What else would it do?

Harry: Oh, I don't know, maybe NOT MOVE!

Ron: Oh, right, you're new. Yeah, all wizarding pictures move.

Harry: Oh, really? Sweet! Let me see that again!

Ron hands Harry the card. Harry stares at it in wonderment.

Harry: Dude, that is the most awesome thing I have ever seen.

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reviews!

Joe Fenton: thank you for reviewing! i agree, that would have been highly amusing. oh, just to let you know, it's donald duck that does that. daffy's the one that hangs out with bugs bunny :)

LemmingtonLee: thanks for the review! that's actually one of my favorite parts, as well.

irishpiratess: wow, i've corrupted someone's mind with this story. i feel i've accomplished something... thanks for the compliment!

CHICKENS of DOOM: thank you so much for the songs! i never would have thought of those on my own. btw, i'm still open to suggestions if you have any more.

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a/n: like i said, i know this chapter wasn't the best, but i had to give you guys something, just to let you know i hadn't died or anything.i have no idea how long it will be before the next update (i'm praying that it doesn't take another two months), but reviews really make me want to write. so, the more i get, the shorter theamount of time between updates. and just a little note; i know this may sound kind of extreme at the moment, but my secret goal is to get somewhere near 100 reviews by the end of this story. so, if you could find it in your hearts, please help me reach that goal? anyway, that's just my crazy thought of the day. hope to be back soon. bye now!

wonder


	8. Chapter 6, Part 3

a/n: omg, i finally got this done! i feel so proud of myself at the moment. i told myself i would get it done before i went to bed on thanksgiving, and i did it! (even though it is 2:15 am) i want to specially thank CHICKENS of DOOM and clam for helping me with the songs. they take me forever to come up with, and without their help this chapter probably would have taken another week, at least. ok, i've wasted enough of your time. go and read.

oh, one other thing - didi say somewhere in another chapter thati lived in india? if so, that was definitely a typo.i live in indiana. below michigan. above kentucky. between illinois and ohio. not india.

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Chapter 6, Part 3

Ron: Okay... Here, try one of these.

Ron hands Harry something. Harry takes it from him and eats it without looking at it.

Harry: Yuck! What was that?

Ron: Umm, I don't know, I found it on the floor.

Harry: WHAT? Why would you tell someone you just met to eat something you found on the floor of a train?

Ron starts laughing hysterically.

Ron: I'm joking! I didn't find it on the floor. It's a Bertie Bott's Ever Flavor Bean. They come in every flavor, hence the name. I recognized the one that I gave you as "Floor of a Train" flavored.

Harry: I'm beginning to think you're rather mean.

Ron: Only on Thursdays.

Harry: But, today isn't Thursday.

Ron: Oh, right, sorry about that.

The door suddenly opens again and a boy walks into the compartment, sits down, and stares out the window. Ron and Harry stare at him for a moment.

Ron: Is there something you need here?

Boy: Yes.

Ron: Well, what is it?

Boy: I can't remember.

Ron: Oh. How about I show you how to turn a rat yellow, then. Do you think that will help you remember?

Boy: Sure!

As Ron pulls out his rat, a girl walks into the compartment.

Girl: Neville! There you are! What are you doing in here?

Neville points to Ron.

Neville: Watching him do magic.

Girl: You're supposed to be looking for Trevor.

Neville: What? Why?

Girl: Because he ran away, remember?

Neville: He did?

Girl: Yes.

Neville bursts into tears and runs out of the compartment in search of Trevor.

Girl: Have either of you two seen a toad named Trevor in here?

Ron: Nope, just Scabbers, my rat.

Harry: Hey, Hedwig's in here, too.

Ron: Oh, right.

Girl: Well, then, I guess I'll just be going.

Ron: Ok, good-

Girl: Or, I could stay and watch you turn your rat yellow, like you were going to show Neville.

Ron: Oh, ok.

Ron says a spell. Not only does the rat turn yellow, but it also swells to five times it's normal size, grows fangs, and sprouts spikes down its back and tail.

Harry: Dear Jesus! Turn it back, before it eats us all!

Ron: I don't know how! I didn't even think it would work!

During all of this, the girl remains calm.

Girl: Oh, honestly.

The girl says a spell and the rat goes back to normal.

Girl: See, it's not that difficult. You may want to get to know me this year, though, to ensure you don't fail. I'm

Hermione Granger.

Ron: I'm Ron Weasley.

Hermione: Nice to meet you.

Hermione politely shakes Ron's hand, the turns to Harry.

Harry: I'm Harry Potter.

Hermione suddenly morphs into fangirl mode.

Hermione: Holy crap! No. Freaking. Way. Are you, seriously?

Harry: Yes, I am. And you must be another loyal fan.

Hermione: Of course I am! Ever since I read about you in this book I got over the summer about famous witches and

wizards who didn't know they were witches and wizards.

Harry: Really? What was it called?

Hermione: **Famous Witches and Wizards Who Didn't Know They Were Witches and Wizards**.

Harry: Dude. Must make a mental note to buy a copy.

Hermione morphs back into her original state.

Hermione: Well, I must be going. Many more people to impress with my extensive knowledge of magic, even though I just found out it existed. Toodles!

As Hermione gets up and leave the compartment, Harry starts humming "Geek USA" by the Smashing Pumpkins.

Ron: What a show-off. What is that you're doing?

Harry: What? Oh, sorry, it's just this thing I do. Attaching a song to a person helps me remember them. Like you;

your song is "Nightmare on My Street" by Will Smith.

Ron: Why?

Harry: Because, from what you've told me about yourself in the past few hours, I've concluded that you are easily

frightened.

Ron: Oh, I see. So, what's your favorite Quidditch team?

Harry: ...

Ron: ...?

Harry: I don't know of any.

Ron: What do you mean 'you don't know of any?' How can you not know of any Quidditch teams?

Harry points to himself.

Harry: New, remember?

Ron: Oh, right. I keep forgetting.

Ron spends the next eternity explaining to Harry everything about his favorite Quidditch team.

Later, three boys enter their compartment. Harry recognizes one of them as the same boy he talked to in the robeshop. He starts humming "Wrapped Up In You" by Garth Brooks.

Boy from Robe Shop: What is that awful noise?

Harry: Your theme song.

Boy from Robe Shop: No it's not. My theme song is "Divine" by Korn. It has been for years.

Harry: But, that's not a country song...

Draco: Duh. I think I, of all people, would know that. It was before my country obsession started. Why would you

choose that one for me anyway?

Harry: ... It's the only Garth Brooks song I know.

Draco: Oh. It's still not my theme song.

Harry: Well, you should have said something before now. The one I chose is already engrained in my memory and may be performed at any time while I converse with you.

Boy from Robe Shop: Crap. Well, how about you just try not to use any song for me, and use my name instead?

Harry: That depends. What's your name?

Boy from Robe Shop: Draco Malfoy.

Ron giggles.

Harry: I'm going to have to agree with Ron on this one; that name is just goofy.

Draco blushes slightly and points to the two boys standing behind him.

Draco: Well, at least my name isn't Crabbe or Goyle.

Harry: You're right, those names are much worse. Anyway, I trust you know who I am? Good. This is my friend,

Ron Weasley.

Draco: Oh, yeah, like Weasley is such a better name than Draco Malfoy.

Ron: It is.

Draco: Is not.

Ron: Is.

Draco: Is not.

Ron: Is.

Draco: IT IS NOT! Stop making fun of my name!

Draco runs out of the compartment, followed by Crabbe and Goyle. He returns moments later to pick up the guitar he dropped when he started arguing with Ron.

Ron: That was entertaining. I don't think I've ever seen so much fringe on a vest. Or so many sequins on a hat.

Harry: I quite agree with you.

Just then, Hermione bursts back into their compartment.

Hermione: What in the world was all the yelling about? I was trying to show someone how to turn their gloves orange, but was startled by the shouting and ended up giving them a carrot for a nose.

Ron: We just met Draco Malfoy. We'll just say it was highly unpleasant. Do you need anything else?

Hermione: Oh, no.

Ron: Well, then, leave.

Hermione: How rude!

Hermione leaves.

The train stops and Harry and Ron get out. They follow Hagrid to the edge of the lake and get into a boat, along with the rest of the first-year students.

They ride in silence for a while, then finally get to see the school for the first time.

Harry & Ron: Duuude...

They finish crossing the lake and step onto the shore. Ron sees something odd on the ground.

Ron: What is that?

Harry: I don't know. Poke it.

Ron: No, it could be poisonous.

Harry: Fine, I'll poke it.

Harry bends down and pokes it. It hops. Ron screams.

Harry: Don't be such a baby. It's just a toad.

Neville overhears their conversation and comes running over to them.

Neville: Did you say you found a toad?

Harry: Yeah, it just hopped that way.

Neville turns and picks up the toad.

Neville: Trevor!

He turns back around and hugs Harry.

Neville: You found him! Thank you!

Harry: Umm, you're welcome.

Neville lets Harry go and runs off to find Hermione to show her that Trevor is no longer lost.

Hagrid calls for all of them to follow him up to the front door of the castle.

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a/n: wow, it feels so good to finally have this chapter finished. hopefully the next one won't be so hard to write. oh, and for anyone who cares, i periodically put updates about my stories in my profile. so, if you want to know how this is coming along between updates, you can check there. and since we're not allowed to do responses anymore, i'll just give a general thank you to everyone for their support. THANK YOU! i'll still respond to anyone who leaves a review under their account name, or whatever it is, i'll just do it the new way. you know, where i have to click the little reply button and it sends it to your email? yeah, that way. please continue to tell me how much you love me! (is vain) bye now!

wonder


	9. Chapter 7

a/n: i'm baaack! yay! i got this chapter finished much quicker than the last one. and just in time for christmas, so this will be your present. hope you enjoy!

oh, almost forgot, i didn't write the song. clam did. it's the only thing she will be writing for this story. so don't hate me if it sucks. during the song- talking _singing_

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Chapter 7

Hagrid leads the students into the castle and leaves them with Professor McGonagall. She escorts them to the door of the Great Hall, tells them that they will be sorted, explains what the school houses are, compliments all of them, then abandons them.

Harry: Wow, it's going to be so great living here 9 1/2 months of the year, instead of with my sucky relatives.

Ron: I don't know. I think it would be kind of interesting living with a whale-cousin. You could study him and take notes, then write a book about whale-cousins and become famous one day.

Harry: ... But I'm already famous.

Ron: Oh, yeah. Hey, do you mind if I come home with you this summer so I can study your whale-cousin and write a book that will make me famous one day?

Ron looks expectantly toward Harry.

Harry: I don't know, my sucky relatives probably wouldn't appreciate that very much. They don't even like feeding me.

Ron is slightly saddened, but recovers quickly.

Ron: That's okay. I guess it's better to stay home than take a chance on starving to death. I love food.

Ron's eyes glaze over and he daydreams about food for a few minutes until Professor McGonagall comes back and takes the students into the Great Hall.

The students follow Professor McGonagall up to the front of the Hall. They stare at an old hat sitting on a stool in front of them.

Nothing happens.

Professor McGonagall walks up to the hat and starts whispering to it. They argue quietly for a few moments.

Hat: NO!

McGonagall: Headmaster, he's threatened to leave again.

Dumbledore: Oh dear.

Dumbledore gets up from his chair and walks over to the hat. He takes McGonagall's spot and begins talking to the hat. After a few minutes, the hat agrees to something and Dumbledore disappears in a giant cloud of thick purple smoke. He reappears by his seat. Before he sits down, he makes an announcement.

Dumbledore: It seems our friend, the Sorting Hat, has dreams of becoming a lounge singer. We will hear a very special performance from him tonight.

The hat starts singing.

Hat: This goes out to all you first years.

_At Hogwarts there are four houses, don't you know. _

_Each one equally as great. _You know you're all great.

_First there's the Slytherins. _

_They're kinda creepy, and nobody really likes them. _Just kidding, you're all wonderful.

_Gryffindor students are brave and strong. _

_They're so great, they always prove the other houses wrong. _You know you do.

_Ravenclaw is Slytherin's bitch. _

_Someone makes a joke and they always twitch. _I'm joking, all you Ravenclaws. We know you're all great. _And now we're left with Hufflepuff. _

_Their common room is scary enough. _

_If you go in there, you'll never be the same again. _

_Each and every house is unique, some of them contain merely freaks. _

_Hogwarts houses are the best in the world! _Thank you all, you've been great.

The hat gets done and the Gryffindors applaud heartily. The others seem to be doing so only on reflex. Dumbledore calls for an encore. The hat begins to sing again. Dumbledore then tells the hat to shut up because he was only joking about the encore and the new students need to be sorted. The hat remains silent for the rest of the night, other than to call out house names for new students.

Harry's name is called and he sits down on the stool. The hat is placed on his head.

Hat: So, what house do you want to be in?

Harry: Huh?

Hat: I said, what house do you want to be in?

Harry: Aren't you supposed to tell me what house I'm supposed to be in?

Hat: Well, technically, yes. But, I figured that since you're famous you should get special privileges.

Harry: Sweet! But I don't know which house I want to be in.

Hat: There's only four, how difficult of a decision could it be?

Harry: Pretty difficult. Would you help me, please?

Hat: Fine. Pick a number between 17 and 34.

Harry: Twenty-five.

Hat: GRYFFINDOR!

The students cheer as Harry runs to his seat. The last of the first years are sorted, then Dumbledore makes a speech.

After he is done talking, he disappears in a giant cloud of thick purple smoke. He then walks back into the Great Hall and joins the feast.

Everyone at the Gryffindor table freaks out when the ghosts appear and start talking to them. Ron faints and is only revived when Hermione sticks a spork in his left forearm. Ron gets up from the floor and immediately goes back to his food.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Ron sees the spork.

Ron: Aahhh! Why is there a spork in my arm?

Hermione: It was the only way to wake you up.

Ron: Wake me up?

Hermione: Yeah, you fainted.

Ron: I did?

Hermione: Yes, don't you remember getting up off the floor?

Ron: No... How do you know that was the only way to wake me up?

Hermione: We tried a bunch of other things; telling you to wake up, slapping your face, pouring water on you...

Ron: Well, that would explain why my pants are wet.

Hermione: Um, no, actually. Turned out the water was charmed to not get you wet.

Ron: Then why am I soaked?

Hermione: Your brothers stuck your hand in a glass of warm water while you were unconscious. They said they wanted to give you a proper welcome.

Ron: Oh... Eew!

Ron gets up from the table and starts running toward the exit. After a few steps he turns around, runs back to his plate to grab a chicken leg for the trip, then continues running out of the Great Hall.

Harry: That was entertaining.

Hermione: Quite.

Harry: Almost as entertaining as the kid who dresses like a country music singer.

Hermione: There's a kid who dresses like a country music singer? I love country! Where is he?

Harry: He's the one with so many sequins on his vest that he looks like a disco ball.

Hermione looks around the Great Hall until she sees the human disco ball.

Hermione: Oh, he's in Slytherin.

Harry: So?

Hermione: ...

Harry: Oh, right, the rivalry thing. Got it.

The two of them continue looking around the Hall and pointing out all of the interesting-looking people. Harry looks up to the staff table and suddenly gets light-headed. He looks away from the spot he had stopped at and shakes his head, wondering where the sensation had come from. He looks back up to the staff table and scans it from end to end. When he gets to Professor Quirrel and the teacher he is talking to, the strange feeling comes back. It feels oddly pleasant, so he continues staring in the same direction that he has concluded the feeling must be coming from.

THREE MINUTES LATER

Harry: Ow!

Harry pulls a spork out of his left forearm.

Harry: What was that for?

Hermione: Well, you were having a conversation with a piece of dust floating through the air, and stabbing Ron with a spork brought him back to consciousness, so I figured it would work on you. Why were you talking to a piece of dust, anyway?

Harry: I have no idea. Didn't even realize I was doing it.

Hermione: Oh.

The feast ends.

Dumbledore: 'Night, all.

McGonagall: Wait! You didn't warn them about the Forest, of the third floor.

Dumbledore: Oh, right. Hey, don't go in the forest or to the third floor, because you'll die if you do.

Dumbledore disappears in a giant cloud of thick purple smoke.

McGonagall: Alright, everyone is free to go to their common rooms now.

All the students stand up and follow other members of their houses to their common rooms. Harry and Hermione follow Percy, Ron's older brother, out of the Hall. They run into Ron, who is standing right outside the doors.

Harry: I thought you were going to change or something.

Ron: I was, but then I remembered that I didn't know where I was going.

They follow the other Gryffindors upstairs to the entrance of the common room. Percy shoves a fourth year girl out of his way.

Percy: I'M the prefect, I'LL open the portrait.

Portrait: Password?

Percy: Pink pandas.

Everyone laughs at Percy as he leads them into the common room. Harry is amazed be the sheer awesomeness of the room, but opts to sleep rather than examine it thoroughly at the moment. He and Ron go up the stairs to their bedroom. Ron finally changes his clothes, and they fall asleep in the middle of their conversation.

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a/n: did you like? please tell me! you know i enjoy reviews. also, something i forgot to mention last time, if you leave a review and don't have an account, but would still like a response, please leave your email. i'm pretty sure there's a place to do that on the form thing, or whatever it is. i'll be sure to get back to you. that also means that if you don't want a response, don't leave your email. that just makes life easier for everyone :) bye now!


	10. Chapter 8

a/n: hello! wow, another 2 1/2 months since the last update for this. you have no idea how horrible that makes me feel. stupid giant research project that i must complete to graduate... how many times have i blamed school for my lack of updates? probably too many. just to let everyone know, i think the end of this chapter sucks. i just finished it today, and wanted to get it up soon, so it might not be the greatest. oh well.

HP4 came out last week! how many people went out and bought it on tuesday? i did. and i've watched it three times since then. obssesed? maybe...

ok, time to read!

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Chapter 8

During the first week of school, Harry learns many things about the building in which he is learning magic, such as; the staircases hate everyone and want to make young lives miserable, Peeves hates everyone and wants to make young lives miserable, Filch hates everyone and wants to make young lives miserable, and, though they may not hate everyone or even mean to do it, teachers spend all their time making young lives miserable.

On the last day of their first week of school, Friday, Harry and Ron are sitting at the Gryffindor table at breakfast discussing their classes for the day when Harry's owl brings him his first piece of mail since arriving at school. Harry stares at the scroll for a moment.

Ron: Well, aren't you going to open it?

Harry: I don't know. It could be a bomb.

Ron: Why would someone send you a bomb?

Harry: Why would anyone send me any kind of mail? I don't know of anyone who would send me mail. It's obviously from someone who's jealous of my fame and wants to eliminate me so they can get all the attention for themselves.

They stare at it for a little while longer.

Ron: But what if it's not a bomb?

Harry: What do you mean?

Ron: Well, wouldn't you look kind of stupid and paranoid if you didn't open it because you thought it was a bomb and then have it turn out to be just a regular letter?

Harry: Good point.

Harry slowly picks up the scroll and inspects the outside of it thoroughly before carefully breaking the seal. Nothing happens.

Harry: Whew, that was close. We could have been only moments from death.

Ron: I know. I think my life started to flash before my eyes.

Harry: Just started to?

Ron: Yeah, started to. It was taking too long to get through everything, so I stopped paying attention to that and started thinking about maybe starting on that Transfiguration homework sometime this weekend.

Harry: But, if there was a bomb in this letter, and you had died, you wouldn't have been able to do any homework this weekend.

Ron: Hey, you're right. That means I almost just wasted the last few moments of my life with all that thinking. I'll have to be more careful about things like that.

Harry: Yeah.

Harry and Ron sit there for a few minutes, contemplating the meaning of life. Ron gets bored with this very quickly.

Ron: So, what's the letter say?

Harry: GAHH!

Harry jumps a foot in the air and turns to see who startled him.

Harry: Oh, Ron, it's just you.

Ron: Of course it's me, I'm the only one that's sitting here all morning.

Harry: Oh, right... Anyway, the letter is from Hagrid. He wants me to go down and have tea with him this afternoon. You wanna come?

Ron: Are you sure he won't mind you inviting strange people into his home without notifying him beforehand?

Harry: No, of course not.

Ron: OK, sounds good to me.

Harry and Ron finish their breakfast and make their way to their first class of the day.

IN POTIONS

Harry and Ron sit down at the same table as Hermione and watch as Snape walks into the room, sees Harry, gets excited, remembers where he is, and tries to compose himself before he starts class. Snape walks to the front of the room and calls out the names of all the students. When he gets to Harry's name he does his best not to squeal in delight, but doesn't succeed. He squeaks and points at Harry.

Snape: Look, it's Harry Potter!

Everyone in the room looks at Snape like he is insane. Snape realizes this and, once again, attempts to compose himself before continuing.

When Snape gets done with attendance, he begins his lesson for the day by seeing which students took time out of their summer vacations to read school books.

Snape: Mr. Finnigan, what is the mixture of powdered root of asphodel and wormwood?

Mr. Finnigan: I don't know.

Snape: How sad. I bet Mr. Potter knows. So, Mr. Potter, what's the answer?

Harry: Umm, I have no idea.

Snape then leans down and whispers something to Harry.

Harry: The Draught of Living Death.

Snape: See, he knew the answer! Wonderful! Ok, Miss Patil, what is a bezoar, and where would I find one?

Miss Patil: I'm not sure, Sir.

Snape: What a tragedy. Mr. Potter?

Harry: What's a what?

Snape leans down and whispers to Harry again.

Harry: Oh, right, a bezoar. It's a stone found in the stomach of a goat.

Snape: Bravo! That was spectacular! Right, one more. Let's see... ah, Mr. Weasley. What's the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?

Ron: Um, one's yellow and one's green?

Snape: Wrong! Harry?

Harry gives him a blank stare.

Snape: Nothing, exactly! You're such a good student. Everyone should try to be more like Harry. Twenty points to Gryffindor.

Draco: Excuse me, but how can you say that he's a good student? He didn't know any of the answers to the questions you asked, he just repeated the answers you whispered to him.

Snape is upset by this accusation.

Snape: What are you talking about? Of course I didn't give Harry the answers to those questions! How dare you insult his intelligence by suggesting that the only way he could answer a question correctly is if he has someone whisper it in his ear! Ten points from Slytherin!

Draco: But, Sir, you did whisper the answers in his ear. Everyone saw you. And Slytherin is your house; do you really want to take points from us and risk losing the house cup?

Snape stands in the middle of the room for a moment, a confused expression on his face.

Snape: You're partially right. Ten points back to Slytherin. Now stop talking and get to work.

Draco: But you haven't given us an assignment yet.

Snape: Fine! I'll give you an assignment!

Snape waves his wand and a potion recipe appears on the board at the front of the room.

Snape: There, happy? Now be quiet and work until the end of class.

Harry goes to work, humming while doing so.

AT HAGRID'S

Harry knocks on the door and waits for Hagrid to let him and Ron in. The door opens and they are immediately knocked down by something equal to the size of a horse.

Hagrid: No, Fang, no!

Fang continues his assault.

Hagrid: Fang, freeze!

Fang is instantly covered in ice and unable to move. Harry and Ron get up and run behind Hagrid, into his house.

Harry: Holy crap, what was that?

Ron: Yeah, what was that? It felt like a horse!

Hagrid: That's Fang. He's a dog, not a horse.

Harry: A dog? That's insane! There's no such thing as a dog that big! Well, except Clifford, maybe.

Hagrid: That's what you think...

Harry: What was that? I couldn't hear you through my musings of humongous dogs.

Hagrid: Nothing. You know, I think I'll leave him there for a while. I don't feel like having him running all through the house at the moment.

Hagrid closes the door and turns to welcome his guests.

Hagrid: Thanks for coming, Harry. Who's you're friend?

Harry: This is Ron Weasley.

Hagrid: That's nice. I'm gonna make the tea now.

Hagrid starts making tea. When it's ready, he grabs the pot and a plate of snacks and turns around to take them to the table. When he looks up and sees Ron he is so startled that he drops the plate and screams.

Hagrid: AHH! Who are you?

Ron is confused.

Ron: I'm Ron. We just met like three minutes ago.

Hagrid: Oh, that's right. Sorry about that.

Hagrid picks up the plate of snacks, which somehow miraculously landed upright with all its contents still in place, and sets it, along with the teapot, on the table.

Hagrid: So, how was your first week of school?

Harry: Great! I think I've finally decided that I definitely love seeing magic performed.

Hagrid: That's great. What about you, Ron?

Ron: I hate homework.

Hagrid: That's great.

They all sit there in silence, drinking their tea. After a few minutes, Harry gets bored and picks up a newspaper he sees lying on the floor. The first article that he looks at he deems not interesting enough. The second is too cheerful. The third, however, catches his attention. The article is about the vault at Gringott's that Hagrid emptied.

Harry: Hagrid, did you know that someone tried to rob the vault at Gringott's that you emptied when we were there?

Hagrid: Oh, umm... no, of course not.

Harry: Oh, ok.

Harry tosses the paper to the floor, clearly losing interest.

Harry: Hey, do you have any more tea?

Hagrid: Yes.

Harry stares at Hagrid expectantly.

Harry: Well?

Hagrid: Well, what?

Harry: Tea?

Hagrid: Oh, right, forgot. Sorry.

Hagrid gets up and gets more for all three of them. They then spend the rest of the afternoon drinking gallons of tea and telling dirty jokes.

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a/n: so? what did you think? is it still good? sometimes it takes me so long to start writing again that i think it will just stop being funny. hopefully it doesn't seem like that to anyone else. if so, tell me. oh, you can also tell me if you like it... and, really, reviews make me want to write. whenever i feel like it's been way too long since i last updated, i go through and read old reviews. they put me in a good mood and make me want to write more. please review?


	11. Chapter 9

a/n: yay! i got it finished! it took me most of the day yesterday, but it's done. everyone should be happy now. and, another yay, i graduated on sunday! now i'm officially out of high school forever. holy crap, my class was huge. 742 students. with 4 valedictorians. that's crazy.

and, just because i'm curious - how did you guys find this story? did you just come across it while you were browsing on this site, or did you find it somewhere else?

ok, i'll let you read now.

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Chapter 9

Harry and Ron exit their dorm one morning and see a large group of people gathered around the notice board. Ron walks over to investigate as Harry searches for a quiet corner to meditate. A few minutes later, Ron spots Harry and runs across the room to him.

Ron: Woohoo! We get to learn to fly!

Harry: Ahh!

Ron: What?

Harry: You startled me.

Ron: Oh, sorry. What were you doing, anyway?

Harry: I was meditating. There's no room anywhere for me to do my normal morning tap dance routine, so I replaced it with something a little bit less likely to cause harm to someone if they come near me.

Ron: Oh. Hey, I've been meaning to ask you ever since you first told me about the tap dancing thing, where did you learn to tap dance? The way you talk about your relatives makes it seem like they wouldn't let you take lessons if you enjoyed them.

Harry gets up from the floor and folds up the blanket he was sitting on.

Harry: I told them I couldn't stand going to lessons two hours a day, every day after school, and four hours a day on weekends. They thought they were making me miserable.

Ron: I see. That's pretty clever.

Harry: Why, thank you. I thought it was. So when do we start flying lessons?

Ron: Thursday.

Harry: Of course. A lesson that doesn't require any kind of actual work and we don't get to start it until Thursday.

Ron: I thought you loved magic and liked doing schoolwork.

Harry: Oh, right. Forgot about that... So, what do you want to do now?

Ron: We could go eat breakfast.

Harry: Ok, sounds good to me.

Harry and Ron leave the common room and head to the Great Hall for a hot, delicious morning meal.

THURSDAY

Harry and Ron sit at breakfast and listen to Hermione give Neville advice on how to not kill himself during their first flying lesson.

Hermione: So remember, a sure-fire way to stay on your broom is to keep both hands on it at all times. Only using one hand increases your risk of falling off by 47 percent.

Neville: Ok, got it. Oh, the mail's here. I wonder if I got anything.

Neville waits patiently until an owl lands in front of him.

Neville: Yay! I got mail!

Neville opens his package.

Neville: Ooh, a remembrall. It's so shiny.

The remembrall turns red.

Harry: What does it mean if it turns red?

Neville: I don't remember.

The Gryffindors suddenly hear spurs and look up to see the Human Disco Ball, Draco Malfoy, standing behind

Neville.

Draco: Oh, look, a remembrall. I think I'll take that.

Draco takes the remembrall from Neville. Neville cries.

Harry: Hey! What did you do that for?

Draco looks at Harry as if he is stupid.

Draco: How many times does this have to be explained to you? Gryffindors and Slytherins are not nice to each other. I'm a Slytherin, and he's the easiest Gryffindor to pick on.

Harry: Oh, right. Well then, since I'm a Gryffindor I'm supposed to be mean to you too, right?

Draco: That's what would be expected, yes.

Harry: Fine then, give Neville his remembrall back or I'll get a teacher.

Draco laughs at Harry's feeble attempt at anger.

Draco: Is that really the best you can do?

This time Harry really does get angry. He does not like being laughed at unless he's telling a joke.

Harry: Alright, give it back or I'll tell everyone here about how you ran out of mine and Ron's train compartment on the Hogwarts Express, crying like a little girl.

Draco stops laughing abruptly.

Draco: You wouldn't.

Harry: I just did.

Draco: looks around at the rest of the Gryffindors and notices that they are all pointing at him and giggling.

Draco: Fine, have your stupid remembrall back. And don't ever think that you'll be welcome at any of my shows once I'm the greatest country music performer in the world!

Draco drops the remembrall on Neville's plate and runs away crying.

FIRST FLYING LESSON

Harry and Ron are running to join their classmates.

Ron: See, I told you that was the wrong door. Now we're going to be late for our first flying lesson.

Harry: No we're not. We've got plenty of time to get there. I can see Hermione already.

Ron: We better not be late. If we are, and I get detention, I'm blaming you.

Harry and Ron make it to the lesson just as the bell rings.

Hermione: What took you two so long? All you had to do was walk out the front door.

Ron: Harry thought he was being guided by a tiny light on the wall, which turned out to be the reflection from his

watch. We ended up on the other side of the school.

Harry: Oh, don't tell me you wouldn't have made the same mistake.

Ron: I wouldn't have; I don't wear a watch.

Hermione: Ok, whatever, just stop arguing. Look, the professor's coming.

Harry and Ron stop arguing and look up to see the professor walking across the grounds to them. When she gets to the class, Harry notices that her eyes are yellow.

Harry: Woah, your eyes look like a cat's. Do you mind if I call you Catwoman?

So-Far-Unnamed Professor: Yes, I do mind. You may only refer to me as Madam Hooch. Anything else will earn you a detention.

Harry: Don't you think that's a bit harsh?

Madam Hooch glares at Harry.

Madam Hooch: No.

Harry: Ok, geez, it was just a question.

As Madam Hooch starts explaining to the class what they need to do, Harry hums the theme music from Batman Returns.

Madam Hooch: Do you all have a broom?

Everyone holds up a broom.

Madam Hooch: Great. Now, get on them and fly.

The students all mount their brooms cautiously, not quite sure what to do.

Madam Hooch: Oh, come on, how hard can it be? I just told you what you're supposed to do. See, Longbottom

knows what to do.

Everyone watches Neville rise up into the air, raise a fist in triumph, and immediately fall to the ground.

Madam Hooch: Oh, wait, no, I guess not.

Neville's wrist snaps and he cries for the second time that day.

Madam Hooch: Well that's a great way to start the year. Come on, we better get you to the hospital wing so I don't

get fired for neglecting a student, or something like that.

Madam Hooch escorts Neville to the hospital wing.

Hermione: I told him to keep both hands on his broom. Why didn't he listen to me?

Draco: Because he's a stupid Gryffindor.

Harry is annoyed that the Human Disco Ball is, yet again, trying to start a fight with them.

Harry: Do you have to start a fight every time there are no teachers around?

Draco: Who said anything about fighting? I'm just stating a fact.

Harry: What fact?

Draco: Gryffindors are stupid.

Harry: Slytherins are more stupid.

Draco: No we're not.

Harry: Yes you are.

Draco: No we're not.

Harry: Yes you are.

Draco: No we're not!

Harry: Yes-

Ron: Enough! My god, that was getting annoying. How about we have a contest to see which house has the most stupid people in it? A representative from each house, and a neutral third party, will fly up 50 feet. The neutral will drop two objects, one for each rep. Whoever catches the object without smashing face-first into the ground is in the house with the un-stupid people.

Harry and Draco think about this for a moment.

Harry: Ok, I think that will work.

Draco: Sure.

Harry and Draco are, obviously, chosen as the representatives for their respective houses. Because, come on, how else is Harry supposed to be discovered as a Quidditch star? Anyway, they, along with the neutral third party (a sixth year Ravenclaw who just happens to be wandering the grounds aimlessly at this exact moment) fly 50 feet into the air and wait for Ron to tell them to begin.

Ron: Now!

The Ravenclaw drops the two objects (a pinecone and a rock) and Harry and Draco take off after them. They catch their objects at the same time, but Draco loses control and smashes face-first into the ground, while Harry pulls out of his dive at the last possible second and glides safely back down. The Gryffindors Cheer.

Draco cries for the second time that day.

Madam Hooch returns.

Draco: OW!

Madam Hooch: Great, now what's wrong?

Draco: I smashed my face!

Madam Hooch: How?

Draco: I was racing Potter.

Madam Hooch: Well then, I guess you got what you deserved. Only someone stupid enough would dare to think that they were better than Harry Potter at something.

Harry sticks his tongue out at Draco.

Madam Hooch: Alright, come on, to the hospital wing.

Madam Hooch takes Draco to the hospital wing, and passes McGonagall on the way into the castle. McGonagall walks over to the flying class.

McGonagall: Mr. Potter, would you come with me, please?

Harry stops celebrating being in the un-stupid house as he hears McGonagall make her presence known. He looks at her and fears her wrath.

Harry: Ok.

Harry follows her into the castle.

McGonagall: Harry, that was awesome!

Harry is confused by his professor's sudden change of attitude.

Harry: Um, thanks?

McGonagall notices that Harry is confused by her sudden change of attitude.

McGonagall: Oh, sorry about back there. I had to make it look like I was going to punish you in case there were other professors watching. They think that's the way all professors are supposed to act, so I can't let them know that

I'm different. They'll never treat me with any respect again if they find out.

Harry: So, I'm not going to get in trouble?

McGonagall: Of course not! You're actually going to get lots of special treatment.

Harry: Really?

McGonagall: Really.

Harry: Like, what kind of special treatment?

McGonagall: Well, right now we're on our way to find Oliver Wood, the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, so I can tell him that you will be their new Seeker.

Harry: Sweet!

McGonagall: I know, isn't it?

Harry: Yep. You know, I think you're my favorite professor.

McGonagall sheds tears of joy at this sign of acceptance as she and Harry continue down the corridor.

DINNER

Harry enters the Great Hall, finds Ron at the Gryffindor table, and sits down next to him.

Ron: Hey, what are you doing here so early? I thought you would have gotten yelled at much longer than that.

Harry: Actually, I didn't get yelled at at all.

Ron: You didn't?

Harry: Nope. McGonagall said she saw the whole thing and decided to make me Seeker for the house Quidditch team instead of punish me. She said my catch was awesome. She also said it was really funny to watch Draco Malfoy smash his face into the ground.

Ron: Wow.

Harry: I know. McGonagall's actually pretty cool.

Ron: It sounds like it.

They eat in silence for a few minutes before the Human Disco Ball shows up once again.

Draco: So, how many detentions did you get for making me smash my nose into the ground?

Harry: None, considering everyone agrees that breaking your face helped more than hurt it.

Draco is outraged.

Draco: Are you implying that my face was ugly?

Harry: Yes.

Draco: How dare you!

Harry: Do we really have to start another fight? I mean, I've already made you cry twice today. Do you really want to go for a third?

Draco: Don't worry, we're not going to fight right now. We'll fight later. Meet me in the trophy room at midnight. And I won't be the one crying this time.

Draco leaves in a flourish of sequins and fringe.

Harry: I wonder why he wants to fight in the trophy room?

Ron: I don't know. Maybe I should go with you, just in case he decides to do something, like not show up and send a professor instead. Or, he knocks you out and you need someone to carry you back up to the dorm.

Harry: Thanks Ron.

Ron: No problem.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Harry and Ron lie in their beds, pretending to be asleep, until everyone else actually is asleep.

Harry's Thoughts: _Well, it sounds like everyone else is asleep. Better get Ron and head down to the trophy room._

Harry: Ron, are you ready to go?

Silence.

Harry: Ron, are you ready?

More silence.

Harry gets out of his bed and pulls the curtains of Ron's bed back. Ron is asleep.

Harry: Ron!

Ron wakes up and tries to act like he wasn't sleeping.

Harry: Are you ready to go?

Ron: Of course I am.

Harry: Then let's go already.

Ron: I was just waiting on you.

Harry and Ron make their way down to the common room.

Hermione: And just what do you two think you're doing out of bed at this hour?

Harry: Ahh! Oh, it's just you. It's none of your business. What are _you_ doing out of bed?

Hermione: I heard you making plans to fight with Malfoy while we were at dinner.

Harry: What? I didn't see you anywhere near there when we were talking about that.

Hermione: I was hiding behind a book. I was also voted to go with you and watch to see who won. Some of the other students are making bets on it.

Harry: Oh. Ok, let's go then.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione continue on their way to the trophy room. Along the way they also collect Neville, who was missing from the story since his trip to the hospital wing during the day's flying lesson and just decided to show up again. All four of them sneak through the castle to the trophy room. When they finally make it there, Harry reaches out to open the door.

Harry: WTF? It's locked! Why would he tell me to meet him in a room that's locked?

Ron: See, this is exactly why it was a good idea for me to come along. If I hadn't been here no one would have

answered that question.

Harry: But Neville and Hermione are with me. And you didn't answer it, anyway.

Ron: Oh, right...

Hermione: Well, looks like Seamus won that bet.

The four of them stand around for a few minutes in an awkward silence.

Harry: So, that was kind of anti-climactic.

Ron: Yeah...

Harry: Wanna see how many classrooms we can get into before we get caught?

Ron: Sure!

Hermione: No!

Neville: Umm...

Hermione: We're lucky we haven't been caught already. We should just go back to the common room before we do

get caught and lose more points than we can even imagine.

Harry: But that's no fun.

Hermione: Fun has nothing to do with it! What do you think your housemates would say if you lost all the points

I've- I mean they've earned?

Harry: Um, really don't care at the moment.

Harry tunes Hermione out and turns to Ron.

Harry: Hey, you know what I just realised?

Ron: That we could go to the forbidden third floor corridor and see what's there that we're not supposed to see because we're not supposed to go to the forbidden third floor corridor?

Harry: I couldn't have said it better myself. Well, actually, I probably could have said it in less words, making it

more understandable, but, you know...

Ron: Right, let's go.

Hermione: Wait! Didn't you hear what I said about losing all the points I've earned?

Harry and Ron keep running without looking back.

Hermione: Come on, Neville.

Hermione grabs Neville and takes off after Harry and Ron.

FORBIDDEN THIRD FLOOR CORRIDOR

Harry: That was easy to find.

Ron: Yeah, the giant 'Do Not Enter" sign helped a lot.

Harry: Do you think it's unlocked?

Ron: Highly unlikely. Dumbledore said we'd die if we went in there. But I guess we'll never know if we don't try it.

Harry reached for the handle, pulls, and the door opens.

Ron: Well, that was unexpected. I may have to write a letter to Dumbledore and complain about the school not being kept safe enough. If first year students can just waltz into a corridor that is supposed to be locked at all times because it contains something that could kill them, then something is definitely wrong.

Harry: But that would be the same as admitting that you were here when you were supposed to be sleeping.

Ron: Oh, right...

Hermione and Neville finally catch up to them.

Hermione: Oh no! What have you done? We're going to be in so much trouble if someone finds us here!

Ron: So shut your mouth and no one will know we're here.

Hermione is shocked into silence.

Ron: See, if you're not constantly shrieking, no one will be able to find us.

Ron, Hermione, and Neville then follow Harry into the corridor.

Harry: This is the strangest place I've ever been. I feel like I've been sucked into a tie-dye shirt.

Ron: There's so many colors...

Hermione: And lava lamps. Hey, wait a second, I thought electrical stuff wasn't supposed to work here. So how are they working?

Hermione finds the nearest lamp and begins examining it as the boys check out everything else.

30 MINUTES LATER

Ron: Hey, Harry, this one won't open.

Harry: What won't open?

Ron: This trapdoor. All the other ones opened, but this one's locked.

Harry: hmm, there must be something down there that they don't want anyone to know about.

Ron: So, are we going to find out what it is?

Harry gives the situation some serious thought before answering.

Harry: Although I am very intrigued, I'm too tired tonight. We'll have to come back some other time.

Ron: Ok.

Harry: Hermione, Neville, we're leaving now.

The four Gryffindors leave the forbidden corridor and return to their dorms, Hermione nagging them the whole time about how they could be caught at any moment. Once they finally get back, and Hermione shuts up, Harry goes up to his bed where he falls asleep and dreams of running away with the circus.

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a/n: so, was it as good as normal? hopefully there aren't too many horrible mistakes in it. i typed it last night when i could barely keep my eyes open, but i just read through it and i think i caught most of them. if not, you can send me a strongly-worded message about how i mutilated the english language.

now that i'm out of school, i hope to be able to update more than every few months. what also helps the chapters arrive faster is when people **leave reviews**. (subtle hint) :D bye for now!


	12. Chapter 10

a/n: ack! you guys have no idea how much i want to cry right now. i always get really awesome reviews for this story, yet i still make you wait months between updates. i'm sorry! i promise it won't take as long for the next chapter to get done.

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Chapter 10

The next morning Harry wakes up suddenly and immediately begins looking for Ron. He searches for a while and finally finds him in the Great Hall. Harry runs over to him and stands next to him, too excited and bouncy to sit.

Harry: Ron! I've had an epi... epin...epina...

Harry gets frustrated because he can't remember the word he wants to use and sits down to think.

Ron: Epiph-

Harry: NO! Don't tell me! I can figure it out on my own!

Harry thinks for a few more minutes.

Harry: Epiphany! That's the word! Ron, I've had an epiphany!

Ron: Oh, and what would that be?

Harry: Well, you remember the door that wouldn't open last night?

Ron: Yeah...

Harry: I was thinking about it last night before it went to sleep and noticed that it reminded me a lot of the door at Gringotts that the goblin opened for Hagrid.

Ron: Ok, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Harry: Oh, right, I didn't tell you that story.

Harry tells Ron the story about his trip to Gringotts with Hagrid.

Harry: So, anyway, that door we found last night reminded me of the one at the bank. When I thought of that it became obvious to me that...

Harry pauses. Ron waits for him to continue.

He doesn't continue.

Ron: Became obvious that, what?

Harry: Huh?

Ron: You were telling me about the door.

Harry: Oh, right,. I forgot what I was going to say.

Ron: Why don't you think about it while I finish eating.

Harry: Ok.

Harry thinks while Ron eats. He remembers what he wanted to say just as Ron gets done.

Harry: Oh, I remember now!

Ron: Good! What is it?

Harry: It became obvious to me that whatever Hagrid took out of Gringotts must be locked under the door that we couldn't open.

Ron: Oh.

Ron is thoughtful for a moment.

Ron: Yeah, that logic actually does make sense.

Harry smiles.

Harry: Yay! That means I'm smart!

Harrry's attitude suddenly changes and his smile is gone.

Harry: Oh, wait, that's now a good thing. If I'm smart, that means I'm like Hermione.

Harry begins panicking.

Harry: Ron, quick, help me get rid of the Hermione-ness!

Ron: tries to change the subject to prevent his friend from having a full-out panic attack.

Ron: So, when are we going back to the forbidden third floor corridor?

Harry is still panicking.

Harry: I don't know! Why are you asking me stupid questions? You have to help me-

Harry stops panicking.

Harry: Ron, I don't know the answer to your question! That means I'm not like Hermione! You've cured me! I'm so relieved.

Harry hugs Ron, then relaxes and eats breakfast.

Ron's Thoughts: _Well, that wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting. I guess I shouldn't complain, though. At least he's calmed down. He gets worked up over the strangest things. I'm glad I'm not that weird..._

ONE WEEK LATER

Harry and Ron are sitting at breakfast, being ignored by Hermione. The mail arrives and startles Harry.

Harry: Ahh!

Ron: What?

Harry: Oh, it's just the mail.

Ron: How can you still be surprised by the mail every day?

Harry: I don't know. Maybe I have some kind of disease that causes me to be easily startled by birds.

Ron: But you don't act like that when you're around Hedwig.

Harry: Maybe it's just strange birds that make me react that way.

Ron: Oh.

The boys continue eating until a group of owls drops a large package in front of Harry. Ron screams.

Harry: Ha! You were the one that got scared this time!

Ron: Only because I didn't expect to almost get killed by a giant package.

Harry: Oh, right, giant package. I wonder what it is?

Ron: Open it and find out.

Harry opens the package.

Harry: Woohoo! It's a broom!

Everyone turns their attention to Harry to see hid new broom. McGonagall jumps up and yells at Harry.

McGonagall: Harry! You weren't supposed to open that here! Didn't you read the note?

Harry looks up at McGonagall, confused.

Harry: What note?

McGonagall: The note that came with that broom that told you not to open it in front of everyone.

Harry looks down at the table and sees no note.

Harry: There isn't any note here.

McGonagall: What do you mean there's no note?

Harry was about to answer his professor, but was instantly distracted, along with everyone else, as a lone owl then flew into the Great Hall, swerving and loosing altitude until it finally crashed onto the table in front of Harry. Harry picked up the letter it had dropped while Ron picked up the bird.

Ron: Why was it acting so odd?

Harry: I have no idea.

Ron inspected the owl closer and found that it smelled strongly of alcohol.

Ron: It's drunk?

Harry: Drunk? How would an owl get drunk?

Ron: I don't know.

Harry turns away from Ron to look back at McGonagall.

Harry: It's ok, the mystery of the missing note has been solved. The owl was drunk; that's why it didn't get here on time.

McGonagall: Drunk? How would an owl get drunk?

Harry is slightly annoyed by the question.

Harry: How would I know? You'd have to ask the owl.

McGonagall: Oh, well, anyway, there's nothing that can be done about it now. Hurry up and get that up to your room before someone tries to steal it, Harry.

Harry grabs his broom and he and Ron leave the Great Hall.

Harry opens the door to the Entrance Hall and is immediately blinded by something.

Harry: Ahh, my eyes!

Harry squints and shields his eyes from the light. With some difficulty, he realises that his temporary blindness is cause by an article of clothing.

Harry: Dear God, Malfoy! Did you sit up all night sewing extra sequins on that thing?

Draco glances around shiftily before answering.

Draco: Of course not. Why would you ask something like that?

Harry: Because right now it feels like I'm living inside a disco ball rather than just looking at one.

Draco glares and changes the subject.

Draco: Why do you have a broom?

Harry: Because I'm special and you're not.

Draco: I'm just as special as you!

Harry: No, you're not. You suck and no one likes you.

Draco stands in silence for a moment before bursting into tears and running away.

Ron: How many times have you made him cry now?

Harry: Um, four, I think.

Ron: doesn't he realise that that's what will probably happen every time he confronts you from now on?

Harry: Apparently not.

The boys continue on their way.

ALMOST SEVEN O'CLOCK

Harry is heading to the Quidditch field. On the way he encounters a squirrel and attempts to engage it in conversation. The squirrels chatters at him for a few seconds, gets bored, and starts chewing the bark off of a tree.

SEVEN O'CLOCK

Harry arrives at the stadium and enters. He sits down to wait for Wood.

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

Harry still sits in the stands, waiting.

ANOTHER FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

Harry hears a noise and looks up to see Wood finally arriving for their practice.

Harry: Wood! Where have you been? It's 7:30 already, and if I don't leave here by eight then I won't be able to get all of my homework done and get to bed at a decent time. Don't you know that it's rude to cause people to lose sleep?

Harry glares at Wood from his place in the stands. Wood begins to apologize.

Oliver: Oh, um, sorry about that. I was-

Harry suddenly grins and leaves his seat to join Wood on the field.

Harry: Ok, then. Since this is your first offense, and you apologized, I'll let you off. Now, let's start this practice.

Wood is quite confused by Harry's abrupt change of attitude, but chooses not to question it lest it revert back to it's former state.

Oliver: Alright. Since you obviously have important business to attend to, I'll make this as short as I can.

Wood opens the trunk he has with him and points out the different balls.

Oliver: The red one is the Quaffle, the black ones are Bludgers, and the little gold one is the Snitch. On the team there are three Chasers who play with the Quaffle. Their purpose in the game...

Harry's Thoughts: _Wow, this is boring. It was a lot more interesting when Ron was explaining it to me on the train. Wait, Ron explained it to me on the train. I already know all of this stuff, that's why it's so boring! Oh, well I guess it's a good thing I already knew it since he looks like he's done explaining._

Oliver: So are you ready for some practice?

Harry: Yep.

Harry and Wood practice until Harry realises that he needs to leave, or his entire schedule will be off for days.

ONE MONTH LATER

Harry sits in Charms class with Seamus, trying to make a feather fly.

Harry's Thoughts: _Why is this so difficult? I don't want it to be difficult. Anyway, this spell should recognize that I'm famous and choose to not be difficult for me. Oh, look, Ron and Hermione are arguing again. That's always entertaining._

Harry is distracted from his own work to watch Hermione do the spell perfectly and Ron get upset about it. When he sees that that will be the extent of the fight, and Ron and Hermione are obviously not going to start beating each other down, he gets bored and remains focused on his own work for the rest of class.

AT THE FEAST

Harry and Ron sit down at the table and immediately begin eating. After a few minutes Harry notices that Hermione isn't there.

Harry: Her, do you know where Hermione is?

Ron looks up from his plate at Harry.

Ron: She's not here?

Harry: Well obviously not if I just asked you if you knew where she was.

Ron: Oh, right.

Harry is silent for a while, thinking about what could have happened to Hermione. He suddenly looks terrified and turns to Ron.

Harry: You don't think she was kidnapped by the CIA, do you?

Ron: What's the CIA?

Harry ignores Ron and starts listing all of the horrible things that could have happened to Hermione if she was kidnapped by the CIA. He also ignores the tapping on his shoulder until it becomes so annoying that he turns around to yell at the person to leave him alone while he is worrying about his friend's life. He quickly decides not to get angry, though, when he sees who it is.

Harry: Hermione!

Harry then hugs her so tightly that she begins to turn blue from lack of oxygen.

Hermione: Can't... breathe...

Harry lets go of her.

Harry: Where were you? We were so worried about you. Were you kidnapped by the CIA?

Hermione: No, I was not kidnapped by the CIA. Actually, I don't really know where I was. The last thing I remember was being really angry at Ron because he was being stupid in Charms and wouldn't do the spell right. I may have been so angry that I lost control of my magic and actually cause myself to go "Nowhere." Either that, or I was so mad that I caused myself to black out. I just remember it was really dark for a while. Anyway, the next thing I knew I was back in the Charms room and it was time for the feast to start, and now I'm here.

Hermione sits down and begins to eat with everyone else.

Harry: Oh. Well, that doesn't seem very exciting.

Hermione: No, it wasn't, really.

They continue eating and talking about random things until Quirrel bursts into the Great Hall and screams something about a troll being loose in the castle. Everyone is ordered back to their common rooms. Harry, Ron, and Hermione follow the prefects back to Gryffindor Tower like the obedient children they are.

IN THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sit in a corner of the room, listening to a group of third year students talking about their missing friends. Suddenly the door to the common room opens and three students walk in.

Random Third Year Student: Barry, Don, Harmony! Where have you been?

Barry: Well, just before Quirrel ran into the Great Hall and told everyone about the troll, Harmony had left to use the bathroom. Since she didn't hear about it, I told Don to come with me to find her. When we got to the girls' bathroom the troll was already in there, and Harmony was trapped. Long story short; I managed to knock the troll out and save her.

After the tale of the troll is over, the group of third years moves to a different part of the room and Harry, Ron, and Hermione can no longer hear them.

Ron begins to laugh. Harry and Hermione join him. They laugh for five minutes straight, until Ron finally catches his breath enough to speak.

Ron: Wow, was it just me, or did it seem like that Barry guy had a major hero-complex?

Harry: Oh, definitely. And the girl, Harmony, why did she need to be 'saved' in the first place? I mean, come on, they're in the same year and know the same magic. She should have been helping them.

Hermione: She was probably so scared that she forgot how to move. How pathetic!

The trio goes on making fun of the other students and how pathetic they are until the wee hours of the morning, when they finally decide to get some sleep before they have to leave for class.

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a/n: so, what do you think? you should leave a review and tell me. you know how much i love reviews... :)


	13. Chapter 11

yeah, so, i know this is a pathetic attempt at an update, but i figured that since i have no idea when i'll get around to working on this again, i should at least give you what i have. i hadn't realised that it'd been so long since the last time i updated this... i won't be offended if you hate me for the patheticness. really.

wonder

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Chapter 11

On a cold, wintery day in the middle of November, Harry and Ron watch as Hermione conjures a fire to keep them warm, since she's a super genius and she can do things like that.

Ron: Wow, that was amazing.

Hermione: I know. I am a super genius, afterall.

Ron: Of course. Oh, great, here comes Snape. And he looks upset. Wait, why is he in a wheelchair?

The trio watches as Snape wheels his way over to them. He almost makes it to them, but is suddenly distracted by someone's diamond encrusted watch. He veers to the left to follow the shiny watch for three minutes before he remembers what he is supposed to be doing and turns around and comtinues on his way to visit with Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Snape: Granger, you are not allowed to conjure fire without adult supervision. If you had cast that spell in the wrong direction, someone could have been seriously injured. Like Harry, for instance. Ten points from Gryffindor.

Harr, Ron, and Hermione stare at Snape for a moment, slightly confused by his actions.

Snape: What? Why are you staring at me like that?

Harry: Um, we were just wondering why you're in a wheelchair, professor.

Snape: Oh, Harry, well, I'm in a wheelchair because I find it's a much more comfotable, and faster, way to travel than walking.

Harry: Oh. I see.

Harry and his friends decide that they should leave before they are completely weirded out by Snape's strange behaviour. Harry picks up his stack of books. One of the books just happens to be _Quidditch Through the Ages_, a favourite of Snape's.

Snape: Oh! _Quidditch Through the Ages_! Harry, can I have a look at your book?

Harry is so startled by the random outburst from his normally moody professor that he hands the book over without a second thought.

Snape: Woohoo! I got Harry Potter's book!

Snape then races away in his wheelchair, leaving an entire courtyard of stunned students behind him.

IN THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sit at a table, attempting to complete their homework. Their conversation, however, keeps returning to Snape's actions in the courtyard.

Hermione: I wonder what got into him earlier?

Ron: Who knows. I guess we should be a little bit happy though, since he was actually acting decent to us for once. I mean, I know he took points from us, but at least he wasn't yelling at us or insulting us.

Harry: That's very true.

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yes, that's where it ends for now. 'cause i'm lazy and haven't worked on it for months, and don't know when i will. unless people tell me they want more. if you leave a review, i promise i'll respond. bye for now!


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